Replace your Favorites with our new blog address www.barbkampbell.com.

Thanks for following this blog. Let us know that you’ve moved to the new place if you’d like.

On Dec. 26 I became the owner of another dog which was the first time I’d ever had two dogs at the same time. It was a wonderful thing that happened during the Christmas season when several total strangers collected the funds for me to adopt a little wire-haired terrier mix dog I’d mentioned I wanted on a friend’s Facebook page a week before Christmas, but couldn’t spend any money as I was on unpaid medical leave.

At about 1 p.m., Dec. 26, Emma Rose (Rosy) was introduced to my beagle, Sully, and I. We were told Rosy weighed 7 pounds, but I believe she was a bit under that at the time, although I didn’t weigh her. She’s about one-quarter of the size of my beagle, but had already lived in a foster home with dogs larger than her, so we knew she would handle herself fine, I just wasn’t certain that Sully would take to having another dog at her home; one that would stay and share treats, toys, food, and me.
 
You see, I thought Sully would be jealous. And honestly, I thought that I would have to share my love between them. Sully is jealous at times, but she also loves Rosy and has a playmate. When I let them outside, Sully won’t come in without Rosy. She’s very protective of her. So Sully may have to share my time, but she also has a sister; and another place to get love. 

What has been the lesson—the truth that was so striking to me—was when I discovered I don’t have to divide my love between two dogs, I just have more love. Rosy coming into our lives brought more love. It seems so simple, but clarifies many things in my life. I do find it odd that it took me one-half of a century to learn.

Am I the only person who didn’t know this truth?

Luckily for me I have a friend who suffers from the same thing and is currently going through similar treatments with little success. When nobody else understands what we are going through, we “get” each other. And we can talk about it.

Sometimes it seems to me as if we have this language that nobody else gets. A language like twins sometimes develop where they converse while nobody else knows what they are saying.

If not for my friend, Keri, I’d really not have anybody to vent to about the pain that feels like a hot prod stuck in my leg that no matter what I do, or which pain killer I take, or even what position I twist my body in, there’s no relief. I’ve been called a drama queen by the one person who in an even imperfect world should be there to comfort me, but she never was so it’s not going to start now.

Keri put into words something I’ve been struggling with of late. I have no patience and my emotions are raw because the pain takes all of that out of me. It takes every bit of strength and self-talk I have just to function and whenever anything outside of that occurs that I could normally deal with, I just can’t. Any amount of stress or pressure at work is unbearable. I cry over things that normally wouldn’t have caused the blink of an eye.

Here’s part of an e-mail Keri sent the other day that sums it up quite well:
“When all energy is focused on pain, there is no energy left to take stress and react to it as you normally would. That’s how I feel. I’ve only got so much coping mechanism available. Pain is using it all right now. Anything else will get a raw, unfiltered, ugly reaction because that’s all that’s left. I think that’s why I am prone to cry or be bitchy. I have no good energy that normally keeps my emotions and feelings in balance. Pain has taken everything. I’m just in a survival mode during this acute, severe pain situation. One hour at a time. I’m spending the days in hourly increments. It’s been an hour since I had a pain pill…or one more hour and I can take another so how can I tolerate the next hour. I find distraction to be very, very helpful. Anything to focus on that keeps pain from having 100 percent of my attention. It’s very difficult. This kind of pain is like post op pain where I should really, seriously be getting pain shots every four hours. That still wouldn’t take all the pain away.

Nerve pain: it’s incredibly powerful. It would bring the healthiest, biggest, most in shape linebacker and wad him up like a piece of paper and throw him to the ground. Stop him cold in his tracks and take complete control of him, emotionally and physically, forcing him to be willing to do anything to make it stop; taking 100 percent of his attention and “fight.” It’s like nothing else matters in the moment except getting through the moment.

So…throw any stressor in the ring with you and pain and you can’t deal with it. But it’s slapping at you, demanding some attention at least. Well, all you’ve got left is bare of anything you would normally use to react in a positive way. It’s just not there. It would be nice if you could wear a red t-shirt that alerts people to the fact that you are at you limit and they would not add crap. But in the real world, no deal. So you give some attention to the stress and that takes away from the energy you were using to fight pain…pain worsens. And there you are in a vicious cycle.”
I know that there are many others in this world who are in this same condition. It feels so often like there’s just no hope and we grab on to every little bit offered. The doctor will say this next injection or treatment may help for a few months or a few years. And sometimes it won’t help at all. And so we live on that bit of hope from the time he says it until the day of treatment. Then if we’re fortunate relief arrives and then we’re afraid to do anything for fear of bringing it back even though we know that it can and most likely will return no matter what we do or don’t do.

It’s difficult to understand if you aren’t experiencing it. I admit that if I wasn’t in the middle of it I would never “get it” when someone else was suffering. I get it now.

The controversial posting by Clint McCance, of the Marion school district, came in response to Spirit Day, on October 20, which asked people to wear purple in recognition of bullied gay youth following several related suicides.

His post, without editing for spelling or grammar, follows:

“Seriously they want me to wear purple because five queers killed themselves. The only way im wearin it for them is if they all commit suicide. I cant believe the people of this world have gotten this stupid. We are honoring the fact that they sinned and killed thereselves because of their sin. REALLY PEOPLE.”

… “I would disown my kids they were gay. They will not be welcome at my home or in my vicinity. I will absolutely run them off. Of course my kids will know better. My kids will have solid christian beliefs. See it infects everyone.”

And he added in comments and that he enjoys “the fact that [gay people] often give each other AIDS and die.”

Days later, after the rant went viral on the Internet, in an exclusive interview on Anderson Cooper’s show (CNN), he apologized for his “strong language” but it was evident that he truly believes what he said and was really just sorry that he’d gotten so much negative attention. Sadly, according to him, his family was threatened, which is something I personally wish had not happened as hate for hate never wins. It’s bullying the bully.

What McCance said on his Facebook post is what many people truly believe in their hearts. And while it’s a person’s right to think what they will, it’s not okay for this same person to be on a school board.There are different beliefs about what makes someone gay.

Some believe we are born with our sexual orientation, some think its reason is nurture, some both. And still others think that it’s something that is chosen.

I can’t claim that it is never chosen because I can’t prove that, but I do know that every gay person I know, including me, would never choose to be gay so that we could live in a society with people who think and speak like McCance (not to mention hundreds of other reasons). I can’t speak for every person in the world who is gay, but I can tell you that I have endured for several years the action of a bully because of my sexual orientation. I can’t go into detail publically because of the situation but someday when I am free of it I will go on the record with all the details.

For those who aren’t gay who don’t think it’s all that tough, who think it’s just something we caused by being who we are, who think we should just kill ourselves or die from AIDS, or that we are sick or attention seeking, I don’t have an answer for you. But I will say that your hate, your words and actions against those who are gay, don’t make you look better in the world’s eyes or God’s eyes.

You may think that bullying is fine, that your words don’t mean much, but they hurt. I know that it has been shown many times that those who rant and rave the loudest protesting gays turn out to be gay themselves while appearing to the public as not. They are married and go off with prostitutes or meet up with same-sex people in other ways just for sex. That God you preach about, He knows what you do, and He doesn’t love you any more than He loves that gay person you bully.

The good part of what happened in the McCance incident is that a lot of people had a chance to see the face of hate and hear the words as well. It rallied gay and heterosexual alike against his actions although every day in your schools, city, state, and nation, there are children and adults bullied that don’t make headlines.

The whole recent incident began because of Spirit Day, which was intended to save lives and stop suicide by young people who are bullied every day and called fag, lesbo, queer, and other words either because they are gay or because someone thinks they are or simply just wants to make them feel bad.

If you are an adult who happens to be heterosexual, please stop and think for a moment back to the day you chose to be straight. Do you remember what you were doing? Was it a difficult decision? Were you always attracted to the opposite sex or did you have to choose to be? Why did you choose to be straight?

If you can’t remember it’s because you didn’t choose it, because we don’t choose our sexual orientation.

Gay people are just as much a part of this society as you are. We are neither less than or more than…we work and pay taxes; we laugh and cry; we differ from others in sexual orientation not in everything.

Please keep in mind that bullying may not be as loud as the way McCance did it. Sometimes those words you speak in private to another about someone get spoken to that person. Your words may not come back to haunt you like McCance’s did because they’d be considered hearsay, but the pain you inflict is just as bad.

I’ve been gone a little over a year from it, a Methodist church that my family attends. That’s the reason I went back there after about a six year reprieve — to spend time with my family. But the flip side of that intent was that not only did the spending time with my family not really come to fruition, I was later blackballed for speaking out about some situations I found unfavorable.

My biggest sin occurred (I’m guessing) when I mentioned the fact that while I’d received one unsigned “we miss you” type card and one that was signed by someone; I’d received dozens of “invitations” to give my money. It was a fact that I spoke.

Sure speaking the truth, even in church settings, isn’t always welcomed in our society. But I did it and I am paying the price, I suppose. But I don’t really want hate in my life anyway.

After a lot of introspection I sent a request to be removed from the official rolls. I’d already been blackballed and taken off of the e-mail lists that go around to members and others who attend but haven’t joined. I didn’t expect to get a reply, although I kind of thought I might get a note asking me to reconsider, or saying they were sorry to lose me. But one should never have any expectations of folks doing the right thing.

I gave much to that church, especially for the couple of years I was back and active before leaving again. I believe that had the people who mattered to me made one genuine request for me to return, or to even say thanks and we miss you, I might have been able to go back soon after I left. Maybe. The one time I re-entered the walls of that church once some unpleasant things occurred I felt sick to my stomach and have never entered the doors again.

But instead of one word from those who I thought should matter, I was treated not with the love that is taught in a Christian church, rather I felt pushed out. My take on Christianity is that nobody is going to be perfect in any religion, but people who are Christian should follow Jesus’ example. That’s a really simple lead. It’s about Love.

My faith in Christianity has been shaken for quite some time both from having some bad experiences in church and from the hate that is so often spewed from the pulpits of those who condemn those who differ from them. Especially the people who spew hate for a way of life and then it turns out they live that way of life in secret.

I’m far from an expert on love and religion. I don’t claim to know much about either. But I know this much: if a Christian is following Christ they would see that, according to the Bible, He loved those who others deemed unworthy. It’s pretty darn simple.

My spiritual life won’t end with my disdain for those mentioned above who spew hate and unchristian-like attitudes, but I doubt anyone will see me sitting in a church pew anytime soon.

If anything my last church experience ruined my last ditch effort to bond with my family, in fact so much so that I feel there’s a long bridge now that may never be crossed. I’ve given it the good fight and honestly at this point I give — waving the white flag.

Having suffered from chronic pain myself for the past fifteen or so years, I’ve found that very few people understand pain in others if they have never suffered it. And while my chronic pain wears on every part of my life, I discovered with the recent sciatic nerve pain that it could always be worse.

I have several friends who suffer from similar pain to mine. We are able to talk about it and know how the other feels. We do this with the knowledge that friends and partners never understand and that our pain hinders close relationships as it does all aspects of our lives.

From discussions with others I’ve learned that we all feel misunderstood and knowing that we know in unison with someone who is inflicted in a like manner helps us to cope with the knowledge that what we feel is real. We miss things we would love to participate in because we don’t want to face more pain than we already have to get out. When we do go out and enjoy the things we love, we pay for it with more pain for hours, days, or weeks. It’s just what it is.

After recent surgery to remove what was causing a pinched nerve, I was home recovering with too much time on my hands. I researched my condition only to discover that while it appears the surgery was successful in clearing the pinched nerve, the pain I had before that isn’t going away. I have arthritis for which there is no cure. While it took years to cause the condition for which I went under the knife that surgery only relieved that excruciating pain and I am left with the cause.

Sure, there are medications that dull the pain, but it’s difficult to get doctors to prescribe what is needed because prescription drugs are highly abused in the U.S. And besides having difficulty getting what is needed to ease the pain, all drugs have some sort of side effect that can be as bad or worse than the pain.

If someone you know suffers from chronic pain which interferes with their life (and yours if you are close to them), please consider my words and understand that pain is all consuming. If your friend or partner is unable to go and do as you are, it’s not because they don’t want to, and the more grief they get over the pain they feel and inability to enjoy getting out and doing, the more they suffer because there is also emotional pain and depression that follows hours, days, months, and years of constant pain.

You only truly understand what I’m saying if you, too, suffer from it. Perhaps if you suffer from chronic pain and find that your friends and loved ones don’t understand that your activities are limited by it, you can share this and at least they will know that you aren’t the only one.

A quick online search of crimes against children in the news involving mothers and stepmothers will bring up several names including: Casey Anthony, Susan Smith, Misty Croslin, Terri Horman and so on. Of those I mentioned the only one who has been convicted of killing her children was Susan Smith, in the other cases the other children are either missing or trial has not yet occurred. And so far, Horman and Croslin have not been charged with anything relating to their two missing stepchildren.

If you aren’t familiar with these, choose one name and do a search on your favorite search engine to see what I’m referring to. One of those women, Susan Smith, was convicted of drowning her children. Casey Anthony is in jail pending a trial next year where she will be tried for murder with the death penalty on the table for sentencing if convicted.

These examples are extreme, and while mothers killing children is way too common, there are other types of abuse present in society. A quick study in developmental psychology will explain the necessity of a loving environment for infants and children.
It is hard for me to understand mothers who don’t act like moms to their children. I don’t have children and I have more affection and love for my pets than some mothers show to their human kids. I always thought there was a very strong mother-daughter bond, but history tells us that it’s not always the case.

I know of a mother who never loved one of her children, never showed her love and continues to treat her as if she is not her daughter. What I don’t understand is why the bond never happened. It can’t be the fault of the child, as children are innocent so that if the bond didn’t occur at or near birth it’s some other reason that it didn’t happen.

I can only attribute that to some sort of biological issue. A mother can have the ugliest baby in the world and still bond as if he or she is the most beautiful. It’s just a natural instinct so when it doesn’t happen one has to ascertain that the “gene” to be a mom was just not given to that mother.

I’ve never understood how a mother can walk away from her children, from the day-to-day raising of young children to be with a man or to pursue a career. It seems that the bond between the mother and her children would be stronger than the sexual pull of a man or the rewards of a job, but this is not the case or fathers would never get primary custody of the children because mothers wouldn’t leave for another relationship or job.

Children who are not nurtured have more relationship issues, depression, and overall problems in their adult lives than those who begin life and are raised in a loving, secure environment. It’s the way it is. I believe that a lot of the mothers who are not loving moms were probably themselves not given the nurturing necessary to become good nurturers themselves and never sought help to break the cycle.

So it’s more likely not something in the genes, but rather lack of nurturing that causes someone to be a mother but not a mom. Perhaps both come into play.

Whatever the cause, if you were raised without the true loving care of a mom and you find yourself having problems as an adult, perhaps it’s a developmental issue for which you should seek help with a therapist. Working through things helps, but cannot replace what was not given early in life.

If you have children and you are not able to love and nurture them as you know they should be, let someone else bond with them so that they may grow up healthy and happy.

Disclaimer: If you see yourself or someone you know in this blog, please know that it is not intended to be an example of anyone in particular and is not meant as any kind of weapon. I am simply writing about what I observe and learn in my life.

The Fountain of Youth, St. Augustine, Florida

I have to admit that I’m still confused by Christianity. Well, not really Christianity, but people who claim to be Godly, yet continue to not do the right thing.

I don’t know much about the Bible. I grew up going to Methodist churches off and on and later when I was in high school and then after I was a college dropout I attended a couple of non-denominational churches. But while I haven’t always been involved in church and have not read the Bible cover to cover, I do know the basics of the Christian religion as it’s taught from the Bible, and I am still a member of a Methodist church.

I suppose what is so difficult for me to understand is that the most simple Bible teaching—LOVE—is often overlooked by Christians. Love, while it’s not the simplest thing to do, is what Jesus did. He loved those upon whom others threw stones.

The concept that came out many years ago stating WWJD? (What Would Jesus Do?) is such a simple way to live, whether or not a person is even a Christian. Doing right by others, even when they have wronged us is what Jesus would do. Forgive is what Jesus would do. Be there for those who need us is what Jesus would do. Doing unto others as you would have them do unto you, is what Jesus would do.

I’m certainly not claiming perfection in all matters of life and relationships. In fact, let me just admit that I am really not very good at relationships. And I have learned in abundance of late places where I have failed others because I have a health issue that has caused me to need help and I realize that I have not always been there for those who needed me in similar circumstances. Part of this is because I didn’t get it because I had never been there. Being independent I guess I always thought people would manage on their own. But now I see how my own independence has temporarily been taken from me and I am so appreciative of those who have stepped in to help, even at times when I’ve said I can do it, but really could not.

I have friends who have cut my grass. I’ve got friends who insist on staying with me after surgery which I am going to need. One friend said, I can’t mow your grass, but I will clean out the cat litter box. I see now that even though I might not be able to help someone in one way, I could be there in other ways.

For instance, I’m not much of a cook so whenever people I know were sick or in need of help, I just never did things because I thought they needed something I could not give. But maybe they just needed the litter box changed, or the house cleaned, or maybe they just needed a hug.

I often doubt my own faith. My trust in “church” has been shattered, and the imperfection of those in church is part of that, but it’s not just imperfection. Being shut out by my own “church family” just feels like such abandonment and not something that I believe Jesus would do. I was upset that when I quit attending my church I got more pleas for money than I did, hey, come back we miss you. So what was the solution to that? Remove me from the e-mail list.

I’ll find my way again in my faith, whether it’s Christianity, or Buddhism, or something else. In the meantime I will try my best to live under the philosophy of doing the next right thing, doing unto others as I would have them to do unto me, doing what Jesus would do, and just trying to let others live their own lives, even if their Christianity seems more hate filled than something related to LOVE and WWJD?

I know, I’ve already written about my back problem. The news hasn’t gotten any better and for those few people who have told me that I complain too much or whine, stop reading. It’s my blog and writing is cathartic.

I’m not here to whine anyway, I’m here to talk about lessons and love and the flip side of the down side.

Through the past few months since I was struck with pain, I have learned so many things. I’ve had to learn to let go and accept help from friends and a family member. I’m so independent that it’s next to impossible for me to allow anyone to do anything for me. My friend, Lisa, has mowed and trimmed my yard for me several times which has really been a lifesaver.

I’m a go all the time person, or have been the past several years. I was always on the go either at work, or the gym, or working in my yard, or hiking, something outdoors usually and rarely did I just stop to rest. But at least for now I spend a lot more time resting than I do anything.

I’m able to work for the most part, but not as energetically as I was before. I found out last week that I lost more income. I had already had to quit a $280 a month job I had with the company taking our products around to display because I can’t do the lifting. Then last week I was informed that a writing gig I’d had for a couple of years for another publication owned by our company was being taken away from me and another woman in our office because they’d hired someone full-time to do the job. That paid $200 a month.

So in the course of a few weeks I lost all of my “extra” money jobs totaling $480 per month gross. I know the saying that when God closes a door He opens a window so I’m hoping for a window to open soon. In my condition, with my back, I can’t really seek a part-time job at the moment … although I could write so I’ll pursue some freelance writing jobs. My dream is to one day find a job where I make enough to just work that one job and not have to have extra jobs.
Mostly I’m going through a lot of ups and downs right now. Some say the meds given for the pain cause people to be emotional. My friend, Keri, who is going through back problems says that when we are in such bad pain we just don’t handle things like we normally would.

For instance, when called in and told that “we have some bad news and we wish we didn’t have to do this,” I burst into tears and asked if I was being fired. And I couldn’t stop crying when they said, no, just losing the side job.

last time I had an epidural injection to try to alleviate some of the pain, the nurse (the one who gives the happy juice) who wheeled my bed to the surgical room had to go the long way because someone was blocking the hall. She said, “It’s not like you weigh 500 pounds.” And I said the pain must burn calories because I’ve had to be so inactive and have eaten junk. She said exactly the truth: “It’s all encompassing.” The pain is just that. It’s the first thing you think of when you try to get out of bed and the last thing before you fall asleep … and most moments in between. It affects EVERY part of the day.

So what have I learned? I’m learning to let others help. I’ve learned who cares about me and who doesn’t. I know that I can’t do this alone. I’ve learned that everyone will give me advice and almost every person says something different so it’s very hard to discern what’s right for me. I know, or at least hope, that this is temporary.

The most important thing I learned is something that no person can know until they experience it. I know what it does to a person when they are in extreme pain. I’ll be able to help others someday when I’m better and they are going through this. I will “know” how they feel emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It’s the kind of knowing that we won’t even have to discuss, it just is.

And something else I have learned is that I feel bad for all of the times I haven’t done anything when others needed help because I just didn’t understand. I hope to do better in the future and realize that just because someone doesn’t specifically ask, they still might need my help. Maybe they just need a hug, or a listening ear, or perhaps they’ll need me to mow their grass.

I don’t think God makes us suffer, but I do think that He gives us lessons in the midst of our pain and it’s up to us whether we grow or not.

A few posts ago I wrote about a really great evening meeting people and photographing and event. I’ll just say that I was wrong about a lot of what I said. I’m intuitive but I don’t always get it right.

To the person who I e-mailed a couple of times, the one I sent a book to, and did a lot of other things for: You’re welcome even if you never bothered to say thank you. I didn’t do any of it to get thanked, but when you behave as you did your true colors show and it’s all clear now why you didn’t respond. Shame is powerful. I know from experience. My opinion may not matter one iota to you, but I think that if you haven’t already it would be a really good idea to get some psychological help — if not for yourself, perhaps for your children.

To my pain: I hear you, please turn down the volume. I know that simply changing the sheets on my bed and walking in my back yard for a total of maybe 10 minutes has caused major pain to return that was kind of dulled yesterday. You want to mess with my life, go ahead. I’m going to find a surgeon to destroy you.

How to stay sane in the midst of having my life changed 180 degrees seemingly overnight: I’m not sure of the answer. I’m hanging on to hope, currently. This is temporary. It will be taken care of even if the treatment plan isn’t what I would like to have done. I can deal with it on a daily basis and keep my head above water or I can kill myself. I think dealing is in order. Please, Lord, let this be temporary and may I have relief from this pain ASAP.

To those of you who have helped or offered to do things for me while I’m hanging out with pain: May God bless you. If I have to have surgery, which is looking like the only option now, I am really going to need help, please keep me in mind if you want to perform a pay it forward or random act of kindness. I’m not good at asking or even accepting help. I’ve been very independent for most of my life, including childhood. I’ll be 50-years-old this year so that is unlikely to change. Please see that when you offer to help and if you are sincere, you may have to just show up here.

To those who haven’t offered to help that really should be the first in line, you know who you are: Shame on you. I have done and done for you and now you don’t even bother to e-mail or call me to see if you can do anything for me or even ask how I’m doing. I’m actually shocked about this. I’m hurt, too. Perhaps you are clueless because if you’ve never been in this kind of shape you wouldn’t understand. I’m really giving you the benefit of the doubt here.

To that person who has hated me since the day we met about five years ago because you don’t like the person God created: I’m grateful that you have been so kind these past few weeks. It’s a miracle really. You may have ulterior motives, I’m not sure, but it’s nice to be treated in a Christian way instead of with hate. Bless you for letting your hatred go long enough to show compassion.

To my sweet dog, Sully: You put a smile on my face even at 5 a.m. when the pain awakens me and I can barely walk. Without your unconditional love, life would be unbearable at times.

If anyone wants to contact me, but prefers not to post on this blog, feel free to send an e-mail to: beaglebrd@sbcglobal.net.