Lying Is Not Okay

Someone told me recently that lying is okay. In fact, I was informed that sometimes you have to lie, and that everybody does it.

Really, I thought?  It does seem that telling the truth has become almost a thing of the past in some circles.

I won’t say that I never tell a lie. I think it may be a fact that most people do lie occasionally, especially white lies, but to claim that “everybody does it” and that it is okay is beyond my realm of understanding.

Just imagine if you taught your children that it was okay to lie either by direct teaching or simply showing them that is how things work by your actions. Do you think one day one of your children might say that his or her parent lies all the time? It happens.

Do as I say, not as I do, will not work when we are dealing with children or even adults who look to us as models of behavior. One never knows who is watching and who is emulating our behavior.

We all have a responsibility to do the right thing. I have been really surprised of late by some people who would boast of their love of God, of how good they are at living the Christian life, but who also have turned their backs on what Jesus would instruct them to do, and how he would act.

I’m not trying to judge, but once again the Christian teaching that I am getting from observation has turned me against organized religion so much that I may never attend church again.

When people celebrate that folks are not attending church by blaming it on what another person did or did not do, the message they are supposedly trying to portray is buried in the insanity of the behavior. Rather than reaching out to pull the flock back in, they laugh and virtually high five to cheer about how “right they are” even though they didn’t get their way.

Is “being right” to a Christian more important than “living right?” I often think about the question that emerged a few years ago on bracelets: WWJD? (What would Jesus do?)  If you don’t get your way is it okay to behave in a way that Jesus would frown on?

I think God might not be smiling down on this behavior.

For now, I’m done with trying to follow those who supposedly lead in the Christian faith. This includes all of the politicians who preach the gospel and wage the sin behind closed doors.

I’m going to look into some other beliefs and find which one I believe that MY God would want me involved in.

The following was written many years ago. I challenge those reading here to truly take it to heart. If you follow the crowd and side with those folks even when they are wrong, maybe it’s time to look in the mirror.

The Man In The Glass
— Anonymous
When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.

For it isn’t your father or mother or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass.
The fellow whose verdict counts most in you life
Is the one staring back from the glass.

You may be like Jack Horner and chisel a plum
And think you’re a wonderful guy.
But the man in the glass says you’re only a bum
If you can’t look him straight in the eye.

He’s the fellow to please-never mind all the rest,
For he’s with you clear to the end.
And you’ve passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the man in the glass is your friend.

You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass.
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you’ve cheated the man in the glass.

Do No Harm

“Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope … and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring those ripples … build a current that can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.” —Robert F. Kennedy

 Wow, “a tiny ripple of hope” … that when combined with other ripples can “build a current,” one that can knock down oppression and resistance.

Those are powerful words and while I’ve been thinking about this blog for a while it’s taken me a very long time to get started writing it.

You see, what I want to write about isn’t about hope, it’s about what happens when evil and destructiveness are involved in the midst of something that’s supposed to be good and healing.

You may know what I’m trying to say. I’ll give a few examples.

Have you ever been involved with a group of people that was trying to do something good for a cause? And all the while the group is trying to do it there is one person, or a handful of people, who just continue to bring negative energy into the situation. There’s bickering amongst the group and soon few people show up to help.

I think about jobs I’ve had where one supervisor continuously said bad things about his supervisor to his staff. I felt the tension and negative energy in that situation and I often wondered if it bled over on the project we were doing. 

It’s the same thing in some churches. Those who claim to be doing God’s work are often not really doing that at all. Because if they were really doing what God commanded there would be love in their hearts instead of constant gossiping, lying, judgment and just overall bad feelings. How can a person say they are serving God and praying for good things to happen, when they spend more time putting down others and lying?

It happens at jobs, clubs, churches, and in families.

Do no harm

We’ve all heard that over and over and I discovered that it’s used in some religions as well as in the oath doctors used to take:

• The Golden Rule in Buddhism is: Do no harm.

• When John Wesley gave the General Rules to the people called Methodists the first thing he told them was to do no harm, and

• The original Hippocratic Oath, once sworn by all doctors required that its adherents “do no harm” to their patients.

It’s used in many more places than I listed, but the point is made, it is used in different religions and by the medical community.

How do we do harm? We don’t do harm by focusing on love which encompasses all things good, but we do harm when we focus on all that is wrong. We talk about it to whoever will listen and we keep the evil energy alive.

We do harm when we don’t show love. If I look someone in the face and smile really big at them when I want a favor, yet I won’t give them a passing glance when I don’t need something, that’s not love and I find it unlikely that many folks would think it was.

It’s easier to catch flies with honey than with vinegar, and so it is with people, with success, with doing right.

We do what we know is right to do, even when it would be easier to do wrong.

What I’m saying is that if a small act of kindness — a ripple of hope — can spread out and have a snowball effect for good, then too, can a negative act have the same impact.

To me, if there’s negativity behind the scenes, then the energy from that is going to show in real life.

If sending up prayers can heal, then can’t also speaking evil harm? Does it harm even if the person spoken about never knows it was said?

It takes just as much energy to say a bad thing about someone as it does to say a good thing, maybe more.

Another thing to remember: the majority is not always right.

Just because you may have found a group of people to befriend who support your negativity, that doesn’t make it right.

Most people would probably say that it matters not what they say or do in private, that it doesn’t reflect upon their public work. I disagree. I think that our negative energy shows up in our lives and causes us not to succeed where we are most striving for success.

I implore you to always strive to do the right thing no matter what. Yes, we all fall short — I never claim to do the right thing all the time. But I do know that the attitude of frustration that says if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, has never worked for me even though I’ve followed that path before.

Do no harm in person or behind another person’s back.

No Excuses

“There’s right and there’s wrong. You got to do one or the other. You do the one, and you’re living. You do the other, and you may be walking around but you’re dead as a beaver hat.”
—Marion “John” Wayne

We have many opportunities in life to do the right thing or to do what we know is wrong. When we choose to do something that we know we should not do there are usually ways we can justify our actions.

Excuses and blame are easy to think of such as: I didn’t mean to; it just happened; it was her fault; I was just living in the moment; it was the alcohol; I didn’t plan it this way; and so on. And while there are times that we do things that we know we shouldn’t there is always the opportunity to stop moving forward with our mistake.

Just because we don’t see consequences of bad behavior today, it doesn’t mean there won’t be any or that when there are consequences we will know about them. Any time we are involved in behavior that could harm another person we need to step back and stop what we are doing.

Life offers us many temptations. We may feel justified in doing wrong because we are lonely, depressed, poor, or otherwise downtrodden. But doing wrong has no real excuses, at least not the kinds that absolve us of guilt.

Walking down the path of wrong will never bring us long-term fulfillment or happiness. It probably will cause us harm and hurt others too. It is our decision to do right or wrong, but excuses to justify do little if anything to right a wrong.

You can decide at any moment to stop a wrongdoing in process.

Being True to Your Self

“You can be pleased with nothing when you are not pleased with yourself.”
—Mary Wortley Montagu

Being true to our self may be one of the most difficult things we do. There seems to be so many demands on us from family, work, volunteerism, church, and all of the many relationships we have.

With all of the things and people we have in our lives there are many and various pulls; things that one person may want that contrasts what someone else wants us to be or do, and most importantly demands that go against our core values.

Being true to self means that sometimes we have to say what others don’t want to hear. It means we have to stop people pleasing. We cannot be true to our self and always give others what they want. Sometimes being true to our self means that we can no longer be in relationships that cause us too much strain against who we are and what we believe.

If we simply do something or stay in a relationship to please the other person it’s doomed in the long run anyway. It will also erode our self-image if we continually go against what we need to do and give in to the demands of others.

Being true to our self is one way we get to know who we are. We clearly can’t define who we are when we are constantly answering to others despite what we want to do and what is right. If others cannot understand our values and insist that we live theirs, we don’t have to mold our self into who they want us to be.

If we look at ourselves honestly and find that we have some defects of character, we can overcome those. This is not to advocate being who we are when that’s not a good thing. Instead it’s about loving our self and doing the things we know to be right. It’s also about having the ability to say no when that is needed. It is about following our own path and not that of someone else, or one that is chosen for us by some other person.

Follow what you know is right for you and own your mistakes as well as your successes.

Personal Wisdom

“It is easier to be wise for others than for ourselves.”
—Francois De La Rochefoucauld

Having the answers and wisdom for others does not always correlate to having wisdom for our own lives.

I’m a proponent of asking for help when we need it. It’s a sign of strength to be able to admit when we need help and to seek it from whatever source we find is best at the time. Therapists, friends, ministers, priests, sponsors, and family members may each hold that certain piece of wisdom that we need in any given moment to find our way.

But as much as I believe in asking for help, I also know that most of us have a lot of our own wisdom, we just choose not to follow it because something else takes precedence over it: urges, emotions, neediness, etc. We may seek short-term pleasure when we know that what we are about to do is not right for us, but we do it anyway.

It’s often so easy to tell a loved one exactly what it best for them to do, and often very difficult to follow that same logic in our own lives. But usually once we reach a certain point in our lives we have plenty of knowledge and wisdom.

Every experience including every painful event, as well those things which brought us happiness, have taught us something and we have gleaned at least a bit of wisdom. Of course, some lessons are much more difficult to get than others so we have to be taught over a few times, but we do eventually get most things.

If we could rely on our personal wisdom and trust ourselves as much as we want to give advice and have others trust us, we would find our lives flowing a lot more smoothly. Sometimes we may need to stop what we are doing and view what we are about to do as if we were watching a friend. Then we can follow the advice we would give that friend. Most of the time we know what is the right thing.

Use your wisdom for yourself as often as you share it with others.

Pleasing Others

“It’s none of my business what you think of me.”
—Unknown

Some of us worry about what others think and try to please them with our actions.

We can’t please everybody, no matter what we do. There will always be those who think we should do things a certain way even when we have been successful in the way we did them.

A lot of us still try to please our parents even as adults we may still use what they think as a barometer of how we should carry on our lives. Some of us do this knowing that they are dysfunctional and probably won’t ever “approve” of what we do but we try to please them anyway. It’s quite futile to think we can get anywhere this way.

Often those who begin Twelve Step programs or go to treatment find family members, spouses, and others less than thrilled. This is usually attributed to fear of change. Those left behind know that life as they knew it won’t be the same anymore, even though the person is going to have a better life.  If we are taking care of ourselves in a healthy way, we must forge on and try not to worry about what they think.

What matters most is what we think of ourselves. Are we working on being better people? Do we try to do the right thing even when it’s difficult? Are we free of addictions and other things that are not healthy for us? If we feel good about where we are today and where we may be in the future, that’s a positive that we can hang our hat on. The rest, what they think, well, it’s really not our business.

If you believe in yourself you’re already a winner.

Life Is Difficult

“Conquering any difficulty always gives one a secret joy, for it means pushing back a boundary-line and adding to one’s liberty.”
—Henri Frederic Amiel

We all face times in our lives that are more difficult than others. Sometimes we have to say no when we know they would rather have us say yes. But to be true to ourselves we know that we have to do the right thing.

There are times when the truth hurts another person. Perhaps we have to end a relationship because we don’t have the feelings necessary for the other person to move forward. They may insist that we not end it, but we know it’s what has to be done, no matter if it hurts, and know that ending a no-win situation now is better than later.

There are other times when we deal with sickness and death of friends and family. We may prefer to do anything but visit a loved one in the hospital or attend a funeral, but again, we know that it’s the right thing to do so we face our difficulty and do it.

When we find ourselves in difficult situations we have options on how we can handle them. Facing our difficulties head on rather than hiding away and living in dishonesty is the best thing. It takes a lot out of us, and the situation may get worse before it gets better, but we do it anyway.

We grow from each and every difficulty we face and conquer. We find that we feel better doing the right thing, than we do when we face issues in a way that is dishonest to us and others.

Eventually if we hurt someone in the process of being honest, they will see that we did what we did because it was right for us and them in the long run. Often telling a lie may seem like a solution, and it may bring temporary relief in the situation, but in the end the truth wins out anyway, so it’s better to be honest and up front in the moment.

Doing a difficult thing the right way will bring growth and peace.

Behavior

“True remorse is never just a regret over consequence; it is a regret over motive.”
—Mignon McLaughlin

There are those who participate in life with behavior that models a bull in a china cabinet. They mow over anyone who gets in their way with poor behavior, both in words and deeds. And often these same people will offer up an apology that is so superficial it leaves those in their wake shaking their heads in disgust.

The ninth step of the Twelve Steps of recovery instructs: “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.” Those who work the steps don’t always find forgiveness for the actions they are making amends over. But the amends are made anyway. Twelve Step programs teach us to change our behavior as we learn and grow, so hopefully motives are changed in the future.

It’s important to understand that behaviors have consequences and that often a simple, “I’m sorry,” does not fix everything so it is important to learn from our mistakes and try to change our behavior in the future so that we don’t repeat that which is not kind.

Living our lives as if a simple apology will fix any wrongful act is not the solution. Our desire should be behavior that is kind and loving, and if we do something that needs an apology we offer it.

Apologies should be used when needed, not as a way of life.

Doing the Difficult

“The right thing and the hardest thing are always the same.”
—Christina Havrilla (song lyrics)

The right thing may not always be difficult but in a lot of circumstances doing the right thing is the hardest thing.

Treating another person with kindness and love when they have treated us with the opposite is very hard to do. We gain nothing, however, by treating a mean person in kind. Mean spirited energy aimed at another probably does us more harm than it does our target. And the fact of the matter is our thinking mean thoughts about someone else never reach their ears.

Instead of negative energy we can be positive when we feel angry or hurt to our very core. Staying mad at someone only keeps us in the victim role anyway and is oppressive and depressive.

There may come a time in our lives where we are attracted to someone in a romantic way, yet that person is in a relationship or married, or maybe we are. The right thing and the hardest thing may be to stay away from that person even if we feel drawn to them with our whole being.

Leaving an abusive relationship; getting help for an eating order or addiction; looking for a job even when we keep getting rejected; slowing down and taking care of ourselves when we need to rest or we are sick; and standing up for ourselves on a job when we are being abused or harassed; all of these things and lots of other situations call for doing what’s difficult when not doing anything might be easier.

If life was always easy we wouldn’t grow and we would certainly never reach out to our Higher Power. In order to have a spiritual life we must turn our attention to God and most of us would never do that if we didn’t have problems or need help.

If the right thing is hard to do that’s no reason to ignore it.

Fair Treatment

“Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.”
—Dennis Wholey

We expect a lot of things in our lives and one of them is that if we do right; if we are kind and loving then we will get all of those things in return. But the reality is that sometimes no matter what we do, we do not receive back what we give.

We do not have control over what anyone else does, whether it’s a parent, boss, partner, friend, family member, or some random stranger. If we do try to control an outcome by acting a certain way then we are either being manipulative or playing games.

But just because we do not receive the same treatment as we give in every situation of our lives, we should still be kind and loving and try to do the right thing. While we do this, we also take care of our self; we don’t allow abuse or mistreatment of any kind. We do what we need to take care of ourselves. We walk away if we need to.
Nobody, God included, expects us to roll over and play victim. But expecting everyone to be kind and loving when we are is just not reality.

If we know that we have not treated someone fairly or kindly, then we can be at peace no matter how they treat us in return. We only have control over our own actions, behaviors, and thoughts. That’s our focus: to continue to be kind and loving.
And remember, just because one person or 10 people treat us badly, we still should not expect the next one to as well.

Continue to be kind and loving even when it appears nobody else is.