Life Is Difficult

“Conquering any difficulty always gives one a secret joy, for it means pushing back a boundary-line and adding to one’s liberty.”
—Henri Frederic Amiel

We all face times in our lives that are more difficult than others. Sometimes we have to say no when we know they would rather have us say yes. But to be true to ourselves we know that we have to do the right thing.

There are times when the truth hurts another person. Perhaps we have to end a relationship because we don’t have the feelings necessary for the other person to move forward. They may insist that we not end it, but we know it’s what has to be done, no matter if it hurts, and know that ending a no-win situation now is better than later.

There are other times when we deal with sickness and death of friends and family. We may prefer to do anything but visit a loved one in the hospital or attend a funeral, but again, we know that it’s the right thing to do so we face our difficulty and do it.

When we find ourselves in difficult situations we have options on how we can handle them. Facing our difficulties head on rather than hiding away and living in dishonesty is the best thing. It takes a lot out of us, and the situation may get worse before it gets better, but we do it anyway.

We grow from each and every difficulty we face and conquer. We find that we feel better doing the right thing, than we do when we face issues in a way that is dishonest to us and others.

Eventually if we hurt someone in the process of being honest, they will see that we did what we did because it was right for us and them in the long run. Often telling a lie may seem like a solution, and it may bring temporary relief in the situation, but in the end the truth wins out anyway, so it’s better to be honest and up front in the moment.

Doing a difficult thing the right way will bring growth and peace.

Conflict Produced

“A lot of people are afraid to tell the truth, to say no. That’s where toughness comes into play. Toughness is not being a bully. It’s having backbone.”
—Robert Kiyosaki

Sometimes people are so afraid to say no they make plans and promises without any intentions of keeping them. This in effect is worse than just saying no in the beginning. They do this to avoid conflict, but in the end the inability to be honest in itself causes more conflict than the simple no would have in the beginning.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying no to a request by another person unless it’s in a situation where we are employed and the task is part of our job, or our child asks us for help and we can give it, we ought to not deny that to them. But here we are talking about relationship issues with friends, love interests, partners, and even business associates.

We should not make plans to do something with or for another person if we don’t want to keep those plans. And if we are too afraid to say no up front, the worst thing to do is never contact them to break the plans. Just ignoring them and hoping they will go away so we can avoid confrontation does not do anyone any good. We will lose the friend and any respect they had for us.

Sometimes breaking plans is unavoidable. When this happens, we ought to be honest and let those involved know as soon as possible. Our integrity is at stake when we don’t do what we say we will do. Breaking plans occasionally because it cannot be helped is one thing, but lying about why we broke the plans or just disappearing without even breaking the engagement is cause for others to avoid us in the future.

And perhaps what we desire is for that person to go away, to not be a part of our life. This needs direct communication as well. Although face-to-face conversations are always best in relationships, there are times when this is not possible. Or sometimes we just are not able to do that, but there are easy ways to contact those we cannot face: phones, instant message, e-mails, and texting to name a few. Any of these ways is better than leaving someone waiting around to hear from us.

Letting someone know about broken plans is the right way to handle the situation.

Communication is a Necessity

“The way we communicate with others and with ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our lives.”
—Anthony Robbins

When we can effectively communicate with others we will have more solid and deeper relationships with those who cross our paths. We let others know where we stand and what we need; and we let them know what we won’t tolerate.

If someone hurts us or does us wrong in some way, we always have the option of letting them know how we feel. And we tell them in a direct way, not partially or by making them guess, we just communicate with the other person so that they know the truth.

Not saying what we feel or lying about how we feel is a form of manipulation. If we feel angry we can say that to someone. Angry feelings don’t have to end any kind of relationship, but if we fail to communicate the reason for the anger, that may cause an ending.

Part of taking charge of our lives includes setting and keeping boundaries. Sometimes our boundaries are not told to others, but we still have them. At other times we must let someone know when they have overstepped our boundaries. We can communicate this directly and honestly, without anger or out of a need to control the other person, but in order to take care of ourselves.

Every type of relationship involves communication. The level of that communication for all parties concerned will help determine the success or failure of that relationship. Sometimes we have difficulty articulating what we mean. We should still do our best to say it. And other times we just don’t know what to say, we can say that too.

There are also times when we know that our issues with a certain situation are more related to our relationship history which triggers a reaction within us. We may need to tell the other person that so they know that our reaction may have nothing to do with them. This allows us to feel our feelings and still be honest.

It’s all about communicating the truth. Being open and honest in our communication will bring us to deeper levels in relationships. Without communication we are left with guessing or assuming which can both be off the mark.

Communication is utterly important in all kinds of relationships.

Be Yourself

“Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.”
 —Judy Garland

There’s never anything wrong with being exactly who we are, even if we have problems and issues that we would rather the world not know about. What we ought to do is be honest about who we are with those we are close to.

If we are in pain and need the support of friends or family, telling them we are “fine” when they ask will be dishonest and will not get us the help we need. Every person in this world experiences up and down times. And everybody needs support from time to time. If we have friends we can turn to them. Or perhaps there’s a family member who we feel will listen without judgment. If we don’t have either of these we can seek help from a therapist, group or member of the clergy.

Pretending to be “fine” when we really aren’t is pretending to be someone other than who we are. This does not mean we have to go around and tell every person we encounter how miserable we may be or trust every person with issues about ourselves that the world doesn’t need to know, what it means is that we have people we trust and we are honest with them.

None of us can be everything to everybody, but we can be who we are. Pretending to be other than that will keep us from truly sharing our lives with others. Not being who we are and trying to be what we think others want us to be will cause our self esteem to suffer too.

Be honest about both the good and bad in your life.

Communication is a Two Way Street

“Good communication does not mean that you have to speak in perfectly formed sentences and paragraphs. It isn’t about slickness. Simple and clear go a long way.”
—John Kotter

Communication is one of the most important things we have when it comes to our relationships with other people. And it’s one of the most difficult. No matter how well both parties do it, there are still times when we just don’t get the other person.

Then there are people who have no communication skills at all. Communication with someone who is not able to communicate effectively is difficult at best, especially if this person is a boss or someone who you have little choice about walking away from.

All of us have experienced people who won’t make eye contact, won’t talk to us, and yet expect us to have a working relationship. Sometimes we encounter these situations outside of work and they are easier to get away from, but what do we do when we are stuck in a situation where we need to communicate, but the other person is not capable?

There is no simple answer. However one thing we have to do is stay true to who we are. Anytime we compromise that we are not at optimal capacity for anything. We must continue to say what we mean and mean what we say even when the other person does not. It’s frustrating, but giving in to poor communication just opens up more problems down the road.

Be honest when you speak and hear when you listen.

Manipulation Not the Best Way

“If you’re sincere, praise is effective. If you’re insincere, it’s manipulative.”
—Zig Ziglar

Manipulation, not saying what you truly mean, is a subtle form of control. Many times we say what we think the other person wants to hear or what we think they need to hear, in order to affect some change in that person that we want, or for a reaction that we seek from that person.

If we give a compliment by saying, “You are so pretty,” only because we really want the person to respond with a similar statement about us, it’s manipulative.

One thing that we need keep in mind is that anytime we aren’t speaking from the heart about such matters, we have ulterior motives. If we truly believe someone is pretty and we tell them that, there’s no issue in that, but if we do it seeking any kind of response or change in their behavior we are using manipulation.

In relationships sometimes we may be manipulative because we hide part of who we are thinking the other person won’t like that side of us. It doesn’t mean that we don’t watch ourselves and ensure that we don’t act out on some of our insecurities; it means we don’t try to change the course of the relationship or universe with less than honest means.

It’s manipulation to be anything other than who and what we are when we are trying to build real relationships. Eventually the other person sees the real us anyway.
Directness is the best way to get what we want, mostly because it works more quickly than manipulation, and too, because it’s honest and that is the right way to handle things.

Try the truth over manipulation and see what happens.

Relationships Don’t Have Road Maps

“Never idealize others. They will never live up to your expectations. Don’t over-analyze your relationships. Stop playing games. A growing relationship can only be nurtured by genuineness.”
—Leo F. Buscaglia

Relationships, like everything else in life, need honesty and directness. Having friends isn’t something difficult to do if we have boundaries and do not expect perfection from ourselves or others.

Sometimes we expect those we know to live up to some ideal that we have set for what we think a relationship is supposed to look like. There aren’t rules about how any particular relationship must be done.

We must throw out any preconceived notion of what we think a certain relationship should be. Every relationship is different. But that’s not to say that there aren’t things in every relationship that should be present: honesty, directness, sharing, forgiveness, love, integrity. We cannot truly have lasting relationships that are not built on good values. And those values must be present on both sides of the relationship.

We don’t have a road map of how week one, month two, year one will be, we simply go about the relationship as it comes on a day-by-day basis. We understand that there will be days we will not like the other person, nor they us. We understand that we both will be hurt from time to time by the other person. We continue our friendship anyway, if it is built upon sound principles.

If, however, one person is unable to be honest, direct, forgiving, loving, or willing to share, then the relationship will not survive. We must then let go and move on in our lives. We may go through a grieving process because we care for the person, but we also must take loving care of ourselves and end something that is not healthy.

Relationships that cause more pain than joy must end. 

Direct Communication is the Best Communication

“Say what you mean and mean what you say.”
—Unknown

Directness in any relationship is the best way to operate. It’s not always easy to say what we mean rather than leave the other person guessing, but it’s important that we are direct.

Any time we don’t say what we mean the other person is left to interpret what they think we are thinking. This can lead to all kinds of problems as we all know, because it has happened to all of us. We assume the other person is thinking one thing only to find out that we are sorely mistaken. It can make for hurt feelings and arguments.

No matter how difficult we find it, being direct is the only way to be. Better to say now that we aren’t in agreement on an issue, situation, or relationship, than have it come out later down the road when feelings are sure to be hurt more than in the beginning.

Directness keeps us honest and away from lies. It frees us to have healthy relationships of all kinds; personal, professional, with our children or parents. We can say what we mean and mean what we say. After all, it is our right to do just that.

Being direct with those with which we have contact is the best way to be.