Staying Open

“Love is always open arms. If you close your arms about love you will find that you are left holding only yourself.”
 —Leo F. Buscaglia

Whether it’s within friendships or love relationships we can go through rough times where we feel that the best thing to do is shut ourselves off so that we don’t suffer any more loss or pain. And while a temporary withdrawal may be okay, a long-term solution to avoid pain is not the best option.

Love is the lifeblood of living. To not love is to not live fully. Pain will come, of course, because nothing stays the same and we will lose in love and life. People will die, or walk away, but we can be content in knowing that what we shared was real while it existed.
If we want to never feel pain and avoid it at all costs, we will also never feel happiness and joy because we won’t allow ourselves the openness to allow anyone or anything into our lives that we may later lose. It’s a risk, but one that is essential to truly healthy and whole lives.

We don’t have to always be completely open to every person who comes into our lives. We may only open up completely once we feel safe, but to shut down is the other end of the spectrum.

When we lose a good friend or romantic partner to death, distance, disagreement, or perhaps the unknown we don’t want to lose our opportunity to ever love or be loved again. Sure it hurts, and we need time to heal, but heal we will and life does go on.
We have the resiliency to move forward with life and love even after loss, but we must stay open — both to the love and the pain that could follow. To do otherwise is to die ourselves.

Closing off to love is a kind of death.

Knowing When to Walk Away

“You got to know when to hold em, know when to fold em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.”
—Kenny Rogers (song lyrics)

Knowing when to walk away can be a difficult thing for many of us. When we care about someone it’s hard to make the decision of finality with that person, but often a clean and final break may be the best for all involved.

We should never let anyone treat us in a way we do not deserve. If we are being kind and loving and someone is being unkind to us, we should walk away. There’s really no way to change a person who doesn’t want to be changed. We may try for a while, but usually that person is not working on growth and change or they wouldn’t continue to treat us badly. To keep hanging on to some hope that things will be different is a self-defeating behavior.

The person who is treating us badly may be acting out because they don’t want to be in relationship with us and they don’t know how to say it. So either consciously or unconsciously they behave in a way that makes us leave without them having to be the bad guy, which they are anyway because of their poor behavior.

Or maybe they just don’t know how to be in relationship with another. Some folks are unwilling to compromise. Perhaps they are spoiled and unable to give of themselves because they are used to getting. But every relationship no matter how deep or shallow requires compromise in some degree.

We may need to examine why we hold onto hope for a true connection with someone when there’s not one there anymore. What are we getting from the relationship that makes us think we cannot let go and walk away? Do we need that person’s approval? Is being treated badly so familiar to us that we just can’t let go of it? Do we want to be in relationship with someone who either isn’t capable of mutuality or doesn’t want us in their lives the way it was at one time or the way we want it?

Whatever the reasons we can’t seem to let go, once we discover that we can safely move on and free ourselves of that person it’s time to make the break. We will discover freedom. We will see growth when we love ourselves enough to cut from our lives those who do not treat us the way we deserve to be treated.

Loving myself means letting go of those who treat me dishonorably.

Living with Rejection

“Human beings, like plants, grow in the soil of acceptance, not in the atmosphere of rejection.”
—John Powell

Most of the time when we are rejected it’s not so much about us as it is about the person who is rejecting us. We can only be who we are and who we are is good enough. If someone does not want us to be a part of their life then we ought to honor that.

What’s especially difficult though is when rejection comes from those within our family. It’s not easy to know if we should walk away when a parent, for instance, rejects us. We have some responsibility to family members that we don’t have in other relationships.

Discerning where to draw the line when rejection occurs within a family is not an easy task. And we don’t have to do it perfectly. Those dealing with dysfunctional families know that sometimes no matter what you do it’s wrong in the eyes of those who choose to be martyrs. It’s that “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situation.

The bottom line when handling rejection whether it’s a family member, friend, business associate, or love interest is to take care of ourselves first. If someone cannot or does not love us, that does not mean we are unlovable. If we have done nothing to harm the other person, if we have done nothing wrong, yet we are rejected, we must hold our heads up and move forward. We are loveable maybe they just don’t love themselves enough to love another.

Becoming a victim after rejections is not the answer. Hanging our head and having a pity party won’t solve anything. We must look within and find the resolve to realize that who we are is okay, no matter if everyone agrees or not.

Rejection is painful, but it does not mean we are unlovable.

Feelings on the Job

“If you have a job without any aggravations, you don’t have a job.”
—Malcolm S. Forbes

Things that occur at work are very much a part of our lives so it is essential that we take care of our feelings surrounding events there, just as we would the ones that happen at home.

Work relationships are different than those we encounter at home because there are different boundaries. At work we have designated roles that we are supposed to be in. And just because someone is the boss that does not mean they know what they are doing or that they are always right. On the flip side of that there are often those who try to be in charge who do not have the authority to do so.

Work places usually contain all of the unhealthy behaviors, including: lying, cheating, gossip, and backstabbing, etc. It’s difficult when someone does us wrong at work and we can’t do anything about it, or the only option is to go to their superior. However, the problem may lie with the superior and there’s not even that option.

What we have to do on the days when we get overwhelmed is to walk away and let go. When our day is over we leave and try to detach from the situation at work. We care for our work feelings just as we do those we experience at home.

We also take care of ourselves at work. If we are not being treated fairly, we can speak up through the appropriate channels. We work through our issues on the job just as we do those at home.

What we don’t want to do is ignore things at work as if they aren’t part of our lives. We spend a great deal of time at work with other people, more time usually than we do our significant others, children, and friends. Just as with all other issues in our lives, not taking care of ourselves at work can turn into a larger problem, such as drinking excessively or some other addiction.

Taking care of ourselves on the job is as important as any other time.

Live and Let Live

“To live and let live, without clamour for distinction or recognition; to wait on divine love; to write truth first on the tablet of one’s own heart — this is the sanity and perfection of living.”
—Mary Baker Eddy

To live and let live is one of the most freeing things we can do. It’s letting go of our attempts to control others and our judgment of how other people live their lives.

Life becomes easier when we grow into this way of living. Thoughts may pop up from time to time about another person when we wonder why they are doing something a certain way or not doing it the way we would. We can just think to ourselves, “It’s not my deal,” and go on about our business.

For those who have never had control issues surrounding other people, this concept may seem foreign. And it will probably seem foreign to those who have not had this awakening. But once we have it, we know that it is the way to be. And if we haven’t we can strive to get it.

We know we cannot control what other people do. We cannot control our children, coworkers, siblings, parents, friends, or neighbors. When we really grasp this concept and set forth to live, really live our own lives and let them live theirs, we will find a peace that we have not had before.

When we learn to live this way we have more peace and we are better able to love others without trying to fix them to fit what we think they need to do.

When we let others live we free them and ourselves.

People Pleasing

“I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.”
—Bill Cosby

None of us will ever successfully please everybody. In fact, we may not please anybody most of the time. We all have our own agendas, responsibilities, and issues. Since we cannot read minds, we can never know exactly what someone else expects from us so therefore we’re going on our own ideas anyway.

We might as well be true to who we are and do what we know is the best and right thing for us and hope that we at least please ourselves. If we succeed in honestly doing the right things in our hearts and minds, most likely others will be pleased too.

Where the problem lies is trying to please people when they have conflicting ideas about what we need to do. Or they have different values from one another so that if we’re involved with both, it’s impossible to please them. Even taking the middle ground will not please either of the two.

Not trying to people please may seem lonely sometimes because we may end up not spending as much time with folks who want us to do for them. But we can use that time to learn what pleases us about ourselves and what we want out of life.

When our hearts are in the right place we will please others.

Detaching Frees All Involved

“There’s an important difference between giving up and letting go.”
—Jessica Hatchigan

Detaching from someone or something that is causing us stress and trauma is one of the more difficult things in life to accomplish. It takes a stick-to-it attitude and lots of back and forth progress.

There are crazy people in this world, people who have no clue how to have relationships and interact in healthy ways. There are those who are addicted and their addiction affects us. Try as we might, we cannot and will not change these people. They won’t be different with us than with others, they’ll be just as crazy with us and they will make us feel crazy in the process.

Detaching from these types of people takes time. It takes a conscious effort to not play into their mind games and drama. What we have to do is stand strong even when we feel weak. They may pull us in slowly, maybe they get our big toe, but we don’t give them our whole foot.

We pull away gradually. We stick to the things we know to do. We think of other things and find ways to distract ourselves from obsessing about them and how to solve their problems which become our problems. When we set others free, we find freedom for ourselves. When we stop trying to fix them we are detaching.

It’s a long process, often, and one in which we may feel pushed and pulled with no end in sight. But once we are there, once we’ve let go emotionally we will know it. We will have contact and we won’t feel anything anymore. No anxiety. No emotional reaction. That’s when we know we’ve detached. What we must then do is stick to it and not put that toe back in the water with that person again.

Detaching is worth the struggle.

Feelings Are Better Off Felt

“Following your feelings will lead you to their source. Only through emotions can you encounter the force field of your own soul.”
—Gary Zukav

When we deny our feelings and bury them deep inside without allowing ourselves to let them wash over and through us, they will fester inside and cause us much distress, even physical illness.

Relationship feelings are especially tough. Sometimes we know that we must find an end to a relationship with a friend or love interest simply because it just is not healthy. But we may find we don’t want to let the person go; we hang on tightly to the good feelings and deny the not so good emotions.

Whatever our feelings are, it’s OK to feel them. It’s OK to feel lonely, sad, or angry, just as it’s OK to feel contentment or happiness. Feelings are just that; feelings.

When we are feeling unsure of what to do, we can meditate and pray, but we need to always allow ourselves to feel. We can cry, scream, stomp our feet, whatever we need to do to feel what we feel. Talking to someone not emotionally involved in the situation may help; someone who is safe for us to share honestly with.

We may want to avoid our feelings by using drugs, drinking, exercising, overeating, or any number of ways we can come up with, but we won’t get our answers by covering up the problems.

The worst thing we can do it bury the emotion and deny that it exists. We feel the feeling and wait for the answers. The answers will come if we are willing to hear them.

Feeling our feelings is the only way to move on.

With Life There is Joy and Pain

“To spare oneself from grief at all cost can be achieved only at the price of total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness.”
—Erich Fromm

On many occasions I have found myself grieving the loss of someone who I have grown close to. Whether it is a friend or romantic relationship, sometimes things do come to an end. And sometimes it feels as if the endings are all that happen.

Life is not all full of endings; it is just that endings are painful and are etched into memory because usually the pain is felt more deeply even than the joy, at least it seems to last a lot longer.

When confronted with the pain of grieving another loss we can do one of two things: vow never to get involved again and shut ourselves off; or take the chance again with additional wisdom and knowledge from past relationships. Shutting down and shutting off from future relationships is like death — we would exist without the pain, but also without true joy.

While in the midst of heartache it is never a good time to make decisions about our future relationships; at least not anything too binding. We will pull out of the grief when we have felt our feelings and when the time is right. And when our minds are clear and free of the pain, that is when we can start to think about shutting down or opening up again. Hopefully we choose to take another chance when we are finished with the old business.

Sometimes it is good to be detached. We may need that time to heal and lick our wounds. Later, we move on and see that life goes on with or without any particular person.

Shutting off from love is not the solution to grief.

 

Courage to Change the Things I Can

Time spent attempting to change others affords little time for personal change.
—Georgette Vickstrom

As if we don’t have enough on our plates taking care of our own side of the street, we often try to change others. Anyone who has ever been in a dysfunctional relationship whether it is our family of origin, friendship, love relationship, or new family, knows that if we could change them we would. We know this because we have tried.

However, as most of us have discovered, we cannot change them. We can only do our work on us. Sometimes when we do the work to change us for the better, it means more distance from and sometimes an end to those other relationships.

And that’s sad to think of, losing those we care about. Sometimes it is the only way to not only survive, but to also grow. While often we have to leave others behind to grow, occasionally those we moved on from will catch up and we have the opportunity to reunite with them on a new level at a new time.

What we must decide is if it is worth staying stuck or if we are better off growing and moving on. That is something we have to weigh relationship by relationship. And each of us is the only one who can answer that for our self.

Focus on changing only what is yours to change.