Denial

“Self-acceptance comes from meeting life’s challenges vigorously. Don’t numb yourself to your trials and difficulties, nor build mental walls to exclude pain from your life. You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems, but by confronting them courageously. You will find peace not in denial, but in victory.”
—J. Donald Walters

No matter what we do in life we can either sugarcoat it into something better than it was, or curse all over it and turn it into something negative. Whether it’s a thought, an action, a fear, it is what it is no matter if we’re in denial over it or not. We deny the truth to make situations appear better than they are, as well as some sort of self-punishment to make things not seem so great when maybe, just maybe they are that good.

To deny our thoughts and feelings does not make them go away, in fact, holding our feelings inside can make us sick. Pushing down, internalizing pain brings on stomach problems, backaches, and headaches.

Denial is not noble. Courage to face our fears, feelings, and consequences of our actions is noble. Saying a thing is black when it is white does not make it white. To pretend, even to ourselves, that we are not hurt when we are does not make us free of pain. It is simply a temporary fix to a long-term issue, one that will be resolved when we are willing to be honest with our self and others in order to stop running from it and face it.

We all use denial as a defense mechanism for things that we find intolerable. Sometimes it is necessary for a while, but there comes a point in our “recovery” that we need to face all of the facts, feelings, and actions of our lives so that we may grow and heal.

When we learn to accept rather than deny we are better able to deal with life on life’s terms. Life is not smooth and easy, it hasn’t been for centuries and it is not going to be tomorrow. Living in denial about our difficulties doesn’t make them disappear.

Denial only prolongs the growth from and solution to every situation.

Facing Our Giants

“You will not be free
Hanging on to things
That hold you back & hurt
That question all your worth
That make you feel afraid…”
—Christine Havrilla (song lyrics)

We all have things that hold us back and hurt. Many of us have carried these things with us since we were small children. And some of us even after therapy and lots of emotional and spiritual growth cannot completely let the “things” go no matter how hard we try.

What we can do though is move forward despite whatever it is that is an obstacle for us. Even if we don’t do it great and even if we cry and our hands shake all the way through it, we still only make progress by attempting, never by sitting still and saying we can’t.

For me there are many of these things and mostly they are performance anxiety related. When I returned to college as an adult I was determined that I would take speech class and get it out of the way, and if I did that I could make it through school. Because I have such fear of public speaking it was very difficult. For my final speech I presented information about panic attacks because many of my symptoms when “performing” in front of others are similar.

And not only did I make it through that class, I got an A and I ended up graduating from college. I had to give a few more speeches in other classes and it never got any easier, but I made it through.

No matter how many times I’ve had to perform in some aspect in front of others, no matter how afraid I was, or how bad my hands shook, or even the number of tears I cried, none of that ever killed me or even brought me great shame. I may never get to a place where I don’t have this level of fear, but if I don’t attempt to walk through it I know I will continue to carry it with me.

We are all human. We all have obstacles that hold us back and hurt. What we choose to do with those will determine a lot about where we can go in our lives. Walking through our fears, facing the giants, gives us character and strength.

Progress comes with attempting, never by sitting still and saying I can’t.

Finding Freedom from Fear

“Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is freedom.”
—Marilyn Ferguson

Many of us probably have fears that we don’t tell anyone about. I’m not talking about the fear of public speaking, or heights, or spiders or snakes. The fears that we most likely hide would include things like the fear of abandonment so we choose not to get close to anyone; the fear of failure so we just don’t try very hard; we may have trust issues and just assume everyone lies to us a lot; or maybe we fear commitment so we stay alone. There are many fears that we hide behind in our lives.

There are all kinds of fears that we lock inside ourselves and ways we build walls of protection around us so that we don’t even really have to face those scary invisible demons that hide in our thinking. Even when we know the only way to overcome a fear is to face it head on and go to battle with it if that’s necessary, we will still often choose to continue to live with the fear.

If we truly want freedom in all areas of our lives we must overcome that which holds us back. Consider all of the joy that’s lost if we are walled off from the world because of fear. The fear’s not bringing us joy, but perhaps if we could just work through it to freedom we would find a whole kaleidoscopic world of possibilities we didn’t even know existed on the other side.

Sometimes our fear is simply that of the unknown and since we don’t know what will happen if we don’t have the fear anymore we cling to it as if it’s a life raft instead of an anchor. We can overcome all of our fears even if we have to do it by taking baby steps.

As Mark Twain said, “Courage is not the absence of fear. It is acting in spite of it.”

Find the courage to leave fear behind and you’ll discover freedom.

You Can Only Achieve What You Believe

“To be a great champion you must believe you are the best. If you’re not, pretend you are.”
—Muhammad Ali

Even if we are not trying to be the champion of something, we still have to believe to achieve. Our self-esteem is dependent on what we think about ourselves. It matters not if 100 people tell us how great we are or how well we’ve done something, if we don’t believe it for ourselves it makes no difference to us.

Some of us suffer from social anxieties which means that most of the time in order to do things in public we must talk ourselves into going, and often once we get there we are fine and able to engage. But how many times did we not do things because we were too afraid?

That time is in the past and now we can go in confidence because we know why we are “shy” and we know that we can do it. For those who suffer from this anxiety hold your head high next time you are in a situation that you fear. Most of the time other people are more worried about themselves than you, they have their own anxieties about things. Think of yourself as good enough, honorable enough, outgoing enough and go to that event or put yourself in that situation that you really want to be in, but are afraid.

No matter if we are trying to get up the nerve to attend a party or some other social event, or to get on stage to perform, we must believe we are good enough and strong enough or we won’t be able to make it. Like the old saying, “Fake it ‘til you make it,” it’s up to us to attempt things we fear.

Living a full life means that we often must face our fears and move out of our comfort zones in order to experience all that life has to offer.

If you don’t believe you can do it, you can’t.

Courage to Change

“Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.”
—Raymond Lindquist

We have many opportunities to practice courage in our lives. Many people, when they think of courage, think about running into a burning building to rescue someone or performing some other heroic act, but courage is anytime we do something that we are afraid to do, something out of our comfort zone.

Simply facing change is an act of courage. Change is scary and while change happens all the time in our lives beyond our control, there are also ways we can change that take courage. Those who need to stop drinking have many fears to face. If we have issues in our lives that need to change it can be frightening. Those needing to end a bad relationship need lots of courage.

Whatever our issues are, we can find courage and strength. Prayer and meditation help. Taking our time with things, caring for our physical health, getting plenty of rest, eating right, we need to be in the best shape we can in order to handle difficult times.

Stepping out of our comfort zones is what allows us to grow. Often people stay in bad relationships or job situations because it just seems easier, but with a little courage getting out of something we don’t want to be in can be life changing in a good way.

Ask God to give you courage to let go of the familiar.

Live the Possibilities

“Rebellion against your handicaps gets you nowhere. Self-pity gets you nowhere. One must have the adventurous daring to accept oneself as a bundle of possibilities and undertake the most interesting game in the world — making the most of one’s best.”
—Harry Emerson Fosdick

We — all of us — have things that we could use as excuses to never do anything with our lives. We have fears, limitations, pasts, hurt, anger … you name it we have an excuse for every situation if we choose to live our lives that way.

But those of us who choose to be the best we can be, to make the most of our lives, know that those excuses will limit us and hold us back from taking the risks living life presents. We can use the excuses. We can if those are the limits we wish to put on ourselves, but if we choose to move boldly forward we must put them aside one by one and forge on with our heads held high into the unknown world of taking risks.

The risks I mention aren’t dangerous risks. They are courageous things we do so that our lives are what they were meant to be. It means we use our God given talents despite what our circumstances say we can or cannot do.

One simple example is going back to college. Some of us decided later in life to finish a degree we started earlier, or to start and finish one from the beginning. We may have had to borrow money to do this, or we may have had to dip into savings. Either way, we took a risk to get what we wanted. We may have used our financial limitations as an excuse for years before taking the risk, but most likely it paid off for us either with a better job or in the way we felt about ourselves.

Limiting ourselves by our handicaps gets us nowhere. Living our lives thinking of the possibilities of what we can do, and attempting the things that we feel led to do, will not only fulfill us, but will offer the world our gifts and talents.

Don’t let handicaps limit your possibilities.

Boost Your Self-Esteem

“Fake it ‘Til You Make It.”
—Unknown

Any time we are trying to do something new and on occasion bold, it calls for confidence. We can gain some confidence by believing in ourselves and even by “faking” our confidence if necessary.

Many talk about how important it is to believe in ourselves. In the midst of great struggle or growth it is necessary to believe we can do it. We may have to pretend we are confident which can increase our confidence. If we don’t believe we can do something we can’t do it, so believing we can will give us an added edge.

We don’t fake having money in the bank and write a hot check on it. We don’t fake doing our work at our job. It’s not that kind of faking it that the slogan suggests. What we fake is more of an inward talking to ourselves.

It’s saying to self: “I’m good enough. I’m smart enough. I’m handsome enough.” One woman told me about pretending to herself she’s a movie star when she lacks confidence. It’s OK to have good self talk.

Whatever healthy behavior it takes to move us forward with confidence is a good thing.

Don’t Give Up

“When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.”
—Franklin D. Roosevelt

Life can be grueling and disappointing, especially in recovery when it seems there is always something to work on. But things do get better. They will get better. We will have bad days as well as great days as we go through our journey of life.

Some days many of us will admit to having thoughts of giving up, on recovery, or even on life. But don’t. The next good thing that comes along, the next good day or moment we will see that the struggle was worth it.

Even when we reach a point in life where we know we have learned a lesson — a big lesson sometimes — we still aren’t done with the game of life. Our Higher Power will help us through each and every stage if we ask for help.

The lessons keep coming as we grow. Some things are more painful than others, but there is more joy too as we proceed through them.

It takes great strength to keep moving forward in recovery and anytime when life seems to be too difficult. Sometimes we sit still for a while until we find that strength again. We may even move backwards from time to time, but we will move forward again when the strength is there if we just hang on.

Don’t give up there is more joy to come.

Dreams Trump Fear

“There’s a moment when fear and dreams must collide.”
—Josh Groban

Do you have a goal or dream to do something “more” with your life, but you are afraid that you will not be successful, or that it will have cost too much money or time? But still you think of it all the time and you know in your heart you really must do it.

This is when fear and dreams collide. It’s when a decision is made that to not follow the dream is worse than following it and possibly failing. And sometimes even if we fail at the attempt, there are other things learned along the way so it’s not in vain.

Not doing something, not using a God given talent, is wrong. We can always find excuses if we look hard enough. In fact, the excuses are often easier to find than the courage to face the fear and move forward with our dreams.

Every now and then we just have to take the plunge and hope that we are making the right decision. If we are following a dream, but we fear failure, and we fear lots of “what ifs” but we move forward anyway, that’s how we succeed to our full potential.

If our dreams are to become reality in our lives, they will, but only when we step out of fear and all of the negatives about something and look at the positives and take a chance.

To really do anything difficult or new we are going to have fear, but the dream will propel us into action and will supersede the fear if we allow it.

If we want something bad enough we will succeed in getting it.