Self-Care in Relationships

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”
—Unknown

Many of us will, from time to time, find ourselves in a place where we don’t do what we want or need to do because we are doing for another. We may do this out of kindness, but sometimes we do it from a needy place because we think that if we don’t we won’t have that person in our lives anymore.

It’s certainly okay from time to time to put ourselves last instead of first, but it’s not good to do it the whole time we are in a relationship, whether it’s a friendship, romantic, work, volunteer, or any other kind of relationship.

People who put themselves first all the time in relationships are not that fun to be with. We’ve all known the type who always talks about themselves and never lets anyone else discuss anything. Or those who don’t have any manners such as saying thank you when you do something for them, as if they simply expected it.

Our lives should never be put on hold for another, especially when they don’t appreciate or even notice. Relationships are give and take, ideally 50-50, but sometimes that doesn’t happen every moment. But we need to take care of who we are and not have ourselves used or abused by another. We ought to also be mindful of how we treat others and not do that to someone else.

If we find ourselves feeling a bit on the used and not appreciated side of the relationship, we can talk it over with the other person. If that doesn’t make things any better then it is time to walk away and take care of ourselves.

Don’t put them first when they put you last, you’re only hurting yourself.

Compromise

“One half of knowing what you want is knowing what you must give up before you get it.”
—Sidney Howard

Most of the time in order to attain something new we must give up something, make some sort of compromise, and this is too often something that many people will not do.

If we want a particular job but the hours aren’t exactly the desired ones we have to decide if that’s the job we really want and if so we work around the issue of the schedule. If we wish to have a committed relationship with someone we may have to give up some of our time with others, not all of it because that wouldn’t be healthy, but we have to give up somewhat to make room for more.

In order to lose weight we’d have to give up our snacks and eat smaller meal portions, plus time would be given to exercise. But if we really want to lose weight we do what it takes to get it done. It’s the same thing with learning to play an instrument, play a sport, a new hobby, anything we want to add to our lives may mean something else is taken away or cut back.

Giving up something to get another thing is not always necessary. But when it is we must be willing to consider what is at stake when we seek out the new. If we aren’t willing to make the commitment to spend the necessary time with the new thing, especially if that’s a relationship issue, then we ought to not start it so as not to hurt the other person because of our unwillingness to compromise.

Most new things in life do take a certain amount of willingness to make adjustments, to adapt to change, to compromise, but without making such efforts our lives may become stale and stagnant. So upon considering making a change or beginning something new, we must look at the costs of that situation as best we can estimate it and decide if it’s worth what we give up to get.

Growing, doing new things may mean giving up something else, but is often worth it.

Staying the Course

“It’s a marathon, not a sprint.”
—Jason Priest

When we decide we want something or want to be able to do a new thing it’s difficult to have the patience to achieve it or to wait to get it. The quote above is something my guitar instructor has said to me several times in only a handful of lessons.

Yes, I want to know how to play now. But in order to start with zero knowledge and achieve a decent level of playing ability there is a lot of groundwork that goes into the learning process. It takes countless hours of practice playing scales and finger exercises, among other things, before one can even play a song.

As with many things in life though, it’s the long enduring journey rather than just deciding upon something and having it. Many times we give up before we get whatever it is we are trying to have.

Attending and graduating college is a good example of something that takes time and endurance. We take classes that we have no idea how they will help us with a particular job. A lot of it feels like a waste of time, but it’s just part of the deal. If nothing else, a college degree shows that a person can stick to something long enough to finish.

Most of what we have in life that means something to us took a lot of work and effort. It takes that in relationships, learning an instrument, getting a degree, building a house and numerous other situations. Things that come easy rarely give us a whole lot of pleasure or self worth.

Also to achieve the things we desire we must often compromise something else. If we want to get a degree, for instance, we may have to give up something that we enjoy while we attend classes and study. If we want to build a long-term relationship with someone we might have to give up certain things sometimes to spend time with that person. Just as with learning an instrument, relationships take patience and time.

If we truly want to achieve or have a particular thing we will do what it takes to do that. If we don’t care much one way or the other, it will show and eventually we’ll let the thing fall to the wayside. Most of us lead busy lives. Yet we want to do new things and stretch who we are. We may want to find someone to spend our life with, learn a new trade, or learn something for fun, like a musical instrument. Most likely that will take compromise. We have to decide if it’s worth giving up something else to fit in what we say we desire. If not, then we really don’t want it much.

If we really desire something we will compromise and do what it takes to have it.