Shades of Gray

“Things are not always as they seem ….”
—Phaedrus

We can get ourselves into some mighty big messes when we think things are one way, but find out they aren’t as we thought. Often this is because of communication errors.

We also bring into each situation our individual experiences, so how we react may not be the way someone else might react which can cause conflicts when dealing with others.

Things are not usually black or white; they contain many various degrees of gray. When someone says something, we hear what we hear whether that’s how they meant it or not. We may feel lied to while the other person insists they told the truth. Usually if we can keep the lines of communication open and discuss the incident we can figure out that it was more of a misunderstanding than a lie.

Sometimes we don’t understand what’s happening in our lives. We may see hardship as a punishment, but that’s not how life works. Yes, we suffer consequences for things we do, but God doesn’t punish us. Life lessons teach us if we use them as such. Often when we are in the midst of an issue whether it’s on the job, at home, in a love relationship, or any other situation, we don’t see and understand things clearly. That’s why people say hindsight is 20/20 because our vision becomes clear once we get past an event.

We many never make up with those we’ve hurt or those who have hurt us, usually because either or both involved will not take the time to fully communicate about the issues. There are two sides to every story. If we could only remember that when we find ourselves in a spot that we don’t understand our lives would be much easier.

Remember that whenever conflict hits, things are not always as they seem.

Resolving Misunderstandings

“To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.”
—Anthony Robbins

We have all had the displeasure of having communicated in a way that we found to be quite appropriate, only to have others misinterpret what we said. This is most often either caused by a lack of actually listening, or it’s a perception issue because others don’t always communicate in the same way we do.

Once there has been miscommunication it takes willingness by all involved to attempt reconciliation or the issue may never be resolved. One cannot simply take all the blame and expect to move on as if it never occurred if feelings were hurt or damage was done.

Miscommunication must be resolved with further communication between two level headed individuals who have stepped away long enough to talk without arguing. And this means talking about the situation completely by repeating what was said and explaining what that meant coming from the one who said it. The person on the other end must be free to communicate how they heard it and what it meant to them. After both sides have established what the conflict is, hopefully it may be resolved by both parties explaining how they feel.

The worst thing we can do is have a misunderstanding and simply walk away from a relationship leaving one or both parties with hurt feelings. Communication is not that difficult if two people are willing to attempt resolution. And it’s usually best resolved among only those involved without bringing others into the situation. This causes further conflict and misunderstanding.

The best resolution to misunderstanding is open and honest communication.

Black and White Thinking

“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”
—William Shakespeare

Situations in life are affected by our personal experiences. What appears one way to one person does not always appear the same to the next, because events in our lives have not been the same.

What we bring to each situation is unique to us because the whole of our lives comes along with that. Our spiritual journeys, our relationships, family of origin issues, these all play into who we are as adults. No two people have the same exact experiences although we all share in some.

This can make relationships difficult. No matter how good we are at communication that too is affected on both sides of a relationship based upon what each brings to the table.

Things are rarely black and white, good or bad. They just are what they are. And there are shades of gray in them as well. We, as humans, fail. We do things we regret and we hurt other people, sometimes based upon what they think about the situation more so than what we did.

We need to listen to what another has to say. We need to really hear what they are saying and not hear it from just our point of view. We need to try our best to discern their communication without letting our experiences or old hurts alter what they said.

Mostly we need to remember that things are not always as we perceive them. And that the situation has more involved than our experiences and thoughts. We can give others the right to think and feel as they will based upon where they are on their journey. 

There is often no right or wrong, but something in between.

Communication Requires Listening

“The value of persistent prayer is not that He will hear us, but that we will finally hear Him.”
—William McGill

How many times have we thrown up the same prayer and not heard an answer, yet seemingly out of the blue something we prayed for was answered? It’s most likely that the answer came when we finally listened. And sometimes the reason we finally listened was because we were at the end of our rope and let go.

Just as communication with people requires both speaking and listening, so it is with our Higher Power. We must stay open for the answer we pray for or we won’t see it when it arrives.

As the saying goes, “Be careful what you pray for … you just might get it.” It’s necessary for us to consider first what we are asking and then to be ready to receive when the answer comes. If we are praying for a situation to get better and the answer is for us to take an action that is frightening for us, we still have our answer and we must proceed.

Sometimes when God says no the yes comes immediately and at other times we may not get a yes for quite some time, if ever. But if we are going to trust God and ask Him for things, we also must trust Him enough to give us the right answer.

God is love so what He does is always in our best interest when we allow Him to run things in our lives. No matter how much we may think we want something and keeping hitting a wall, we keep praying that God’s will be done and it will. He’ll put those people in our lives who can teach us the lesson we need at the moment. And He will use us to teach others.

When you pray be certain you want what you are asking for and listen for the answer.

Conflict Produced

“A lot of people are afraid to tell the truth, to say no. That’s where toughness comes into play. Toughness is not being a bully. It’s having backbone.”
—Robert Kiyosaki

Sometimes people are so afraid to say no they make plans and promises without any intentions of keeping them. This in effect is worse than just saying no in the beginning. They do this to avoid conflict, but in the end the inability to be honest in itself causes more conflict than the simple no would have in the beginning.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying no to a request by another person unless it’s in a situation where we are employed and the task is part of our job, or our child asks us for help and we can give it, we ought to not deny that to them. But here we are talking about relationship issues with friends, love interests, partners, and even business associates.

We should not make plans to do something with or for another person if we don’t want to keep those plans. And if we are too afraid to say no up front, the worst thing to do is never contact them to break the plans. Just ignoring them and hoping they will go away so we can avoid confrontation does not do anyone any good. We will lose the friend and any respect they had for us.

Sometimes breaking plans is unavoidable. When this happens, we ought to be honest and let those involved know as soon as possible. Our integrity is at stake when we don’t do what we say we will do. Breaking plans occasionally because it cannot be helped is one thing, but lying about why we broke the plans or just disappearing without even breaking the engagement is cause for others to avoid us in the future.

And perhaps what we desire is for that person to go away, to not be a part of our life. This needs direct communication as well. Although face-to-face conversations are always best in relationships, there are times when this is not possible. Or sometimes we just are not able to do that, but there are easy ways to contact those we cannot face: phones, instant message, e-mails, and texting to name a few. Any of these ways is better than leaving someone waiting around to hear from us.

Letting someone know about broken plans is the right way to handle the situation.

Communication is a Necessity

“The way we communicate with others and with ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our lives.”
—Anthony Robbins

When we can effectively communicate with others we will have more solid and deeper relationships with those who cross our paths. We let others know where we stand and what we need; and we let them know what we won’t tolerate.

If someone hurts us or does us wrong in some way, we always have the option of letting them know how we feel. And we tell them in a direct way, not partially or by making them guess, we just communicate with the other person so that they know the truth.

Not saying what we feel or lying about how we feel is a form of manipulation. If we feel angry we can say that to someone. Angry feelings don’t have to end any kind of relationship, but if we fail to communicate the reason for the anger, that may cause an ending.

Part of taking charge of our lives includes setting and keeping boundaries. Sometimes our boundaries are not told to others, but we still have them. At other times we must let someone know when they have overstepped our boundaries. We can communicate this directly and honestly, without anger or out of a need to control the other person, but in order to take care of ourselves.

Every type of relationship involves communication. The level of that communication for all parties concerned will help determine the success or failure of that relationship. Sometimes we have difficulty articulating what we mean. We should still do our best to say it. And other times we just don’t know what to say, we can say that too.

There are also times when we know that our issues with a certain situation are more related to our relationship history which triggers a reaction within us. We may need to tell the other person that so they know that our reaction may have nothing to do with them. This allows us to feel our feelings and still be honest.

It’s all about communicating the truth. Being open and honest in our communication will bring us to deeper levels in relationships. Without communication we are left with guessing or assuming which can both be off the mark.

Communication is utterly important in all kinds of relationships.

Making Friends

“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years of trying to get other people interested in you.”
—Dale Carnegie

When living our lives most likely all of us have experienced times when we felt lonely or just in need of some friends and attention. And we may even have experienced trying to get other people to like us by doing numerous things, but never truly showing an interest in them other than a needy kind of desire.

There are times in our lives when we really need to be heard, but there are also times when we need to listen. If we want to make friends when we ask another person how they are we mean it and we listen intently to their reply. If we hear that they need help with something and it’s something we’re capable of doing, we help them.

All of us know people in our lives who never ask how anyone else is and they simply go on and on about what’s happening in their lives. These are people we don’t want to be around. We can use that as an example of what we don’t want to be to others.

When we truly care for another it shows because while we do set boundaries, the relationship is not all about us, it’s about the other person’s needs as well. And this is where we make true and long-lasting friends, by doing what Dale Carnegie said in the quote above, by being interested in the other person.

It’s about give and take. It involves setting boundaries. Friendship means we share honestly with another, and listen when the other person talks.

Our self-esteem depends on having people to love and being able to love others.

Truth Is There When We Are Aware

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
—Oprah Winfrey

As we go through our journey of life we meet many people in various ways. We meet at work, church, recovery meetings, social settings, etc. And most of the time we try to get to know some people better than others.

If we are fully aware during out interactions with people and truly listen to and watch them, they will reveal to us a lot about themselves. If someone says, “I don’t drink very often if at all,” but every time we talk to them they are on the way to or from the liquor store, or talk about what they drank or what they are about to drink, then their actions speak for them.

Anytime someone says one thing and does another it sends up a red flag warning us that something is not right about the situation. The person may not even be aware of what they are saying and doing, in other words, they may be lying to themselves too.

Usually people tell us and show us who they are. Not so much in what they say directly, but what they say when they don’t think about trying to impress us or when they let their guard down and the truth comes out. We need not learn a lesson about someone over and over again, once we find out the truth about them, we can let go of thinking that they will change. They won’t. Their truth is their truth and people rarely change without lots of effort.

So if the person’s faults are shining through and they don’t show any effort to change, chances are they are stuck with that behavior. And if their actions are things that we cannot deal with on a regular basis, it’s time to let go and move on gracefully from that person, before investing any more into the relationship.

If words and actions do not match, beware.

Relationships Need a Foundation

“Fine friendship requires duration rather than fitful intensity.”
—Aristotle

Often when we first meet someone we are attracted to either for friendship or a love relationship, we make the mistake of moving too quickly and end up finding the end of the relationship rather than something long lasting.

When building any kind of relationship we need to form a strong foundation so when conflict occurs we still have something to work with. Building that foundation takes time, honesty, openness, getting to know each other’s boundaries, and trust. We can never truly know someone in a matter of days or weeks and if we move too quickly we may end up in a place with someone that we don’t want to be, such as living together or married even.

Any new relationship is exciting, if not we would never make new friends or life partners. But if we don’t take it slow and easy it will fizzle out before we even get to know the other person. People are rarely what we think they are upon first meeting. That’s not always a bad thing sometimes people have much better qualities than we think upon first impression.

If we take our time in getting to know someone by listening and watching we will find true friends. We have time to see if what they say is really what they do. Actions always speak louder that words and people often don’t match the two.

Give relationships the time and energy to be real.

Honesty Starts With Self

“Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.”
—Thomas Jefferson

Honesty with self is the beginning to finding a happy and fulfilling life. When we cannot be honest with who and what we are — mistakes and achievements included — we can’t be whole.

All of us have issues we wish to recover and heal from. Some of our issues show up in overeating, drinking too much, or some other addiction. We may not be aware of the reasons we do the harmful things we do to ourselves, but as we seek to grow and heal, we do discover that many actions brought us to where we are.

Whatever our issues, we first must own them for ourselves. If we cannot be honest with self, how can we ever be honest with anyone else?

Often we discover our real truths while talking to other people if we are being honest. We may surprise ourselves and actually admit out loud to someone what is truly inside of our hearts and minds. Perhaps this happens by accident simply because we are opening up to ourselves and someone else.

It’s part of the Twelve Step to admit to ourselves, God, and another person our faults, but also our goodness. It often occurs over time and with trust for other people, but it starts with us.

We may practice saying out loud while alone our truths, whatever they are, and realize that saying how we truly feel, the gut honest truth about our strengths, hurts, fears, all of what we feel, will set us free to grow and heal.

It works. Holding things inside hidden from light in the darkness of our souls will only keep us sick. Shining the light on fears and failures only lessens the pain it does not make it grow. And in the process we find out things about ourselves we didn’t even realize because we couldn’t be honest enough to ourselves.

Honesty sets us free to be healed.