Sense of Self

“Part of having a strong sense of self is to be accountable for one’s actions. No matter how much we explore motives or lack of motives, we are what we do.”
—Janet Geringer Woititz

Excuses and blame are often what we use to explain away our indiscretions. However, when we know who we are and choose our actions well we most often do the right thing and when we don’t we are able to say so.

It’s really not possible to live our lives making decisions and taking action out of a place of good judgment if we haven’t first learned who we are, how we operate, and why we do things we do. When we have learned these things about ourselves, and only then, are we able to control our behaviors and stop the patterns of failures.

It sounds simpler than it is. Most of us who are recovering from various things need at least a little help. Often it takes many hours in therapy to learn these things about ourselves. When we know what makes us tick we can better control things that are ours to control and not try to control those things we can’t.

In addition, we are able to set boundaries with others when we know what our boundaries are. We know when to say no and when to say yes. We know which behaviors from others we cannot tolerate and are able to say so when they occur. We are accountable for ourselves and we don’t place blame on anyone or anything unless there really is a reason.

Getting to really know ourselves can be painful at times. There may be things that happened to us in our childhood that spun us into some negative behaviors as adults. But to continue to blame adult behaviors on childhood events is not how we learn better behavior. We can work through our issues and come out stronger on the other side.

None of us is perfect, and nobody reaches that status, but growth comes with work and life runs more smoothly.

Get to know what makes you tick and you’ll find ways to do things differently that have been problems in your life.

Life Is Difficult

“Conquering any difficulty always gives one a secret joy, for it means pushing back a boundary-line and adding to one’s liberty.”
—Henri Frederic Amiel

We all face times in our lives that are more difficult than others. Sometimes we have to say no when we know they would rather have us say yes. But to be true to ourselves we know that we have to do the right thing.

There are times when the truth hurts another person. Perhaps we have to end a relationship because we don’t have the feelings necessary for the other person to move forward. They may insist that we not end it, but we know it’s what has to be done, no matter if it hurts, and know that ending a no-win situation now is better than later.

There are other times when we deal with sickness and death of friends and family. We may prefer to do anything but visit a loved one in the hospital or attend a funeral, but again, we know that it’s the right thing to do so we face our difficulty and do it.

When we find ourselves in difficult situations we have options on how we can handle them. Facing our difficulties head on rather than hiding away and living in dishonesty is the best thing. It takes a lot out of us, and the situation may get worse before it gets better, but we do it anyway.

We grow from each and every difficulty we face and conquer. We find that we feel better doing the right thing, than we do when we face issues in a way that is dishonest to us and others.

Eventually if we hurt someone in the process of being honest, they will see that we did what we did because it was right for us and them in the long run. Often telling a lie may seem like a solution, and it may bring temporary relief in the situation, but in the end the truth wins out anyway, so it’s better to be honest and up front in the moment.

Doing a difficult thing the right way will bring growth and peace.

Self-Improvement Opportunities

“There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving and that’s your own self.”
—Aldous Huxley

Many times in our lives we are either the object of scorn, or the one who stands in judgment of another. We find fault with another or find ourselves in the line of fire from someone who wishes to put us down.

The reality of life is that other than caring for our children, we only have ourselves to work on. We are responsible for our own side of the street and how we live our lives. We can improve upon where we are no matter how good of a person we are. But one thing is for certain, we cannot do this for another, and they cannot do this for us.

We have many opportunities for growth and change in our lives. Every day presents us with those opportunities, sometimes in big ways and at other times with simple, less conspicuous ways.

When we focus on another person’s issues we only cheat ourselves and most likely damage our relationship with them. We can set boundaries if another is bothering us in some way, but to try to change that person is not our job. Our responsibility lies within.

We have plenty of work to do when we set out to improve our lives. Often others will try to do our work for us, usually in a way that is not welcome and not likely to help. They choose to tell us how we ought to do something. The only thing this does to our benefit is show us how not to treat those we care about.

Taking every opportunity for growth within is a challenge that we can accept when we are on a recovery and growth path. Staying out of another’s growth opportunity gives them the chance to do their own growing as well.

Stay on your side of the street, there’s plenty of work there.

Self-Control

“No one can drive us crazy unless we give them the keys.”
—Doug Horton

How many times a day do we blame another person for something that caused us to get agitated? Probably a lot. People say and do things that we find irritating. They may try to control our lives, or maybe they just ignore us.

But it is up to us not to give other people our power. We don’t let another decide our mood for the day, or let them drive us crazy. We can avoid such people for the most part, but of course, there are times when those who are irritating to us are in our lives in such a way as to all but be stuck there, such as a boss or family member.

We, then, have to find and practice whatever way works to deal with that person. Blame and bad mouthing won’t make the situation go away. It’s unfortunately our job to handle this kind of situation, as with most things in our lives.

When we allow others to control our day we give them way too much power over us. When we set a boundary in our lives and someone else does not honor that boundary we need to tell them. If they cross it and continue to do so, it is still our responsibility to deal with it. If someone is bothering us and we continue to allow that to happen then we are getting something out of the interaction. We may need to do some introspection to find out why we continue to allow abuse and see what we gain from it.

Learning to set limits with others is often difficult, especially those who have stalker type personalities where no does not mean no to them.

Owning your power puts you in the driver’s seat where you get to decide your mood.

Cynicism

“Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious.”
—B.C. Forbes

Many of us have become jaded over time by the treatment we have received from other people. Lies, manipulation, cheating, unfairness, and other things can cause us to become cynical about relationships.

We continue to punish ourselves if we let the past dictate today and tomorrow. It hurts when people treat us wrong, but we don’t have to let that hurt continue. We can move on from the person who we have lost faith in.

When we continue to carry these issues as a chip on our shoulder, we miss out on lots of opportunities to meet and love other people. We will get hurt again because people are human, just as we’ve been hurt, we have hurt others. From time to time we’ll put ourselves out there and find ourselves getting kicked in the face. But hopefully we will also find love and friendship in other relationships.

We must choose to frame things in a positive way. We aren’t going to get very far if we constantly lament about how bad someone treated us. By being suspicious we close ourselves off. Instead we can say, “I was hurt by that person, but that does not mean that everyone is out to get me.”

The truth of the matter is that most people are not intentionally trying to cheat us, or hurt us, or cause us any kind of pain or harm. Maybe we just need to toughen up and realize if someone is an unkind person we really don’t want them in our lives anyway.

Living a suspicious life only keeps you from finding good.

Selective Sharing

“It takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you: the one to slander you, and the other to get the news to you.”
—Mark Twain

It’s the truth that even the best of us will occasionally pass on some news that would better be left unsaid. Sometimes we do it to one up someone, or to turn them against another, and sometimes it’s just innocent, a lack of thought perhaps.

We have all experienced a time when someone told us something another had said that cut us to the core. And we can find no reason that our “friend” told us this information. Sometimes it’s good to know what’s being said about us because we need to protect our reputation as best we can, or maybe we have behavior that needs to be corrected. But usually when someone speaks out against us it’s not something that we really need to know. Often we already know the thing about us that they are passing around. Maybe we are loud and obnoxious and they said that. Or perhaps we cheated on a spouse or partner and they spread that around. It does nobody any good to pass around this information.

We have choices within our own control about spreading news about another. We can do it or we can keep it to ourselves. Sometimes it’s a judgment call whether or not news needs to be passed along. If in doubt, it’s most likely better to be quiet.

What we don’t have control over is what others say about us. We may have trusted the wrong person by telling them certain things only to have that news passed along. It’s our choice if we confide in that person anymore. And we may decide to be more choosy about who we do tell our secrets and other details to.

What we don’t want to do is shut down and close ourselves off from others. We don’t let one bad apple spoil the whole bunch.

In Twelve Step programs that’s what sponsors are for, to tell our stuff. And sometimes they cannot be trusted so we must deal with that issue and get a new sponsor. If we aren’t in a program, we ought to find a trustworthy friend who we not only feel okay about confiding in, but who we also trust that what we tell others stays with them and does not get passed around.

People are not perfect and we cannot expect them to be. We can be careful; and we also should watch ourselves that we aren’t one of those who runs and tells.

Find one safe person you can trust; and likewise be that person for another.

Setting Boundaries

“It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has no boundaries, with someone who cannot communicate directly, and honestly. … It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves — to protect ourselves when it is necessary. … It is impossible to learn to be loving to ourselves without owning our self — and owning our rights and responsibilities as co-creators of our lives.”
—Robert Burney

In order to take care of ourselves in any kind of relationship including work, love, friendship, business and parenting issues, it’s important that we set boundaries.

Sometimes setting and keeping boundaries can be very difficult, especially when others don’t like them. But when we don’t have any boundaries we open ourselves up to get walked on and maybe even abused. Usually people will respect our boundaries. Sometimes they may overstep them, but having boundaries makes us stronger and helps with our self-esteem issues.

We don’t have to tell others what our boundaries are unless there’s a problem. Our actions can speak for us, but there are times when we must let others know what our limits are. We don’t have to do that in a condescending way, we can be pleasant and polite when we confront those who have somehow overstepped what we find acceptable.

It’s not always another person’s place to figure out what we expect from them because not everyone has the same limits. And some people don’t know anything about boundaries so we can’t expect them to adhere to ours if we don’t let them know they have crossed over them.

We don’t expect others to treat us with any more respect than the way we treat them or how we treat ourselves. If we say we are too busy to do something with someone, but we do it anyway, we should not tell them later that they didn’t respect our boundaries or worse yet, complain to other people by saying that person took too much time from us. Going forward when we said no was a crossing of our own boundary, not them overstepping it.

When we make an issue about setting a boundary, it’s our duty to uphold it, so we don’t cause confusion in our relationships. If we cross our own boundaries we cannot expect others to respect them. That’s not saying we have to be too rigid in our lives, it just means we should set reasonable boundaries and stick to them. It’s not someone else’s responsibility to ensure that we mean what we say and follow that, it’s our issue.

Setting and keeping boundaries is good for us and all our relationships.