Get Over It

I figured out this week that I’m really angry.

It’s George W.’s fault, mostly, in my opinion. Our economy is in the toilet. The flushing began on Sept. 11, 2001, when terrorists attacked the Twin Towers and the Pentagon.

Then Bush and his gang invaded Iraq and declared later that the “war” was over when people are still to this day getting killed fighting in Iraq.

I’ve had people blame our recession, or depression as some call it, on President Obama. How is this his fault?

Look, we’re all suffering. Most of us anyway. Even the wealthy have seen their worth drop. Although the wealthy don’t have to scramble to find work to do when they are laid off or have their hours cut. Their “worth” is on paper and they still have the ability to do everything they have been doing.

I took a part-time contract job this week. That’s when I figured out that I’m mad. I’m angry because I’m having to find something to fill the gap, to make up eight hours a week of pay that I’m losing.

Doing the work caused me a lot of physical pain; already aching joints because of arthritis are now intensely hurting.

I’m angry, too, because in my late 30s I returned to college while working full time. I graduated when I was 40-years-old with debt that will most likely follow me to my grave (or urn, since I’ve chosen to be cremated). And it’s because of that debt that I have to struggle to make ends meet.

On top of the financial aspect of the debt, I’m not making any more money than I was before I went to college. Sure, I’ve got a greater self worth. And I’ve written a book, which I’d never have done had I not gone to college. But I never dreamed that having a college degree, with the loans involved, would cause me to need to find near minimum-wage pay to supplement my income. And I’m in good shape, I work out five days a week, but this physical labor, on a 48-year-old, has been tough.

So I’m angry.

But, you know what, as long as I remain the victim and blame Bushy, and my employer for cutting my hours, and anybody else that I can think of, I’m still going to be angry. And I’m still going to owe the student loan debt.

Maybe I need to just let go and get over it and move on. I will do my best to do that when I recover from the past week of blood (literally), sweat, and (no tears) brought on by a week of hard labor.
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The book, you ask? Yes, it’s nearing completion, the inside pages are formatted. I now have a page count so that I know the exact dimensions of the cover to finish the design.

Currently my right hand is inflamed with arthritis so it’s hard for me to work on the computer with the mouse a lot, but as soon as I can do that without wincing, I hope to finish the cover design. I also need to design my publishing company logo.

Feeling Anger

“It’s okay for me to be angry today. It’s growful, if I use it for good.”
—Unknown

Feeling anger, just like every other emotion, is how we move through and past it. We can no more push anger down and hide it and then expect to be okay than we can just snap out of depression.

Anger can be a catalyst for change. When we feel anger it is a signal that things are not as they need to be for us. Sometimes we can do something about the cause of our anger, and at other times we can simply walk away from the cause of it.

When we do nothing about our anger it can be turned inward and thus affect our lives in a negative way. It affects our behaviors and carries from the thing that caused us anger to the person or situation that did not cause it. How we deal with anger is important.

When we are angry with another person the best thing we can do is be direct and tell them why we are angry. What we don’t want to do is curse at them or call them names. Most people will allow us to be angry, but they will not listen to us when we treat them with disrespect.

If someone does us wrong, the conflict will be resolved much easier the sooner we deal with it. Usually if we let things build up it will make us angrier and when we are direct about our anger sooner things are easier to resolve.

When we encounter anger and it’s an issue that we have no resolution for, we must find an outlet for that anger through exercise or some way that doesn’t hurt others. There is not always resolution for conflict, especially if the other person has power over us at work or in some other situation.

Taking care of ourselves includes feeling and releasing our anger. It’s okay to be angry, it’s just wise to use it in a way that helps us and not hurts us.

Anger may not be the most wonderful feeling, but it needs to be felt and dealt with for healthy well-being.

Burning Bridges

“We should think seriously before we slam doors, before we burn bridges, before we saw off the limb on which we find ourselves sitting.”
—Richard L. Evans

It’s easy to find ourselves in a place where we want to burn our bridges. We get angry with someone or upset about a situation and we never want to be faced with it or that person again.

However sometimes once some time has passed on a situation and our emotions have calmed we find that it wasn’t quite as bad as we thought and we regret having shut the door on it or the person.

Once the door has been slammed in an angry manner and resentments have flared on both sides, it can be close to impossible to heal the situation. So taking some time to let ourselves heal and cool may help us avoid burning bridges that keep us separate from others.

Once we’ve spoken something in anger, once we have slammed the door on a relationship, no matter if it’s business or personal, it is unlikely to ever be healed and returned to a healthy place. It’s not impossible, but it is much more difficult to resume a relationship if it’s ended in such an abrupt manner.

When we are in a situation that needs healing, it is often necessary to take a break. We can take a time out and let ourselves figure out what to do in a calm way rather than in the midst of our anger. Others may not understand that we need time; that we require a break, but it is imperative that we do this if we feel we need it.

Making a decision to change any kind of relationship requires careful consideration. If we leave in haste, whether a job, marriage, friendship, or any other situation, we will more than likely burn a bridge and never be able to resolve the conflict. This finality may not be what we intend, but it may be the result.

A decision made in anger and haste will often not bring the desired result in the long run.

Reining in Anger

“If you kick a stone in anger, you’ll hurt your own foot.”
—Korean Proverb

So many times when someone angers us, we spin ourselves into a place that may feel out of control. Some of us throw things, others kick and scream, and sometimes we are so mad we want to hurt the other person. Hopefully we don’t proceed in an effort to hurt another because we’ve been hurt since that solves nothing.

It helps to remember that having anger does not take away what the other person did to hurt us. Nothing really makes what they did go away, although an apology from them and forgiveness by us will help a lot.

If at all possible we can ease the situation when we treat those who anger us with love, kindness, and compassion. Yes, this is a tall order and perhaps one of the most difficult things we can do, but it does diffuse the situation and can restore us to peace.

Holding onto the anger by letting it fester and by telling everyone we can how angry we are won’t do much to make it go away. We probably will just get worked up over and over as we tell it to anyone who will listen.

Anger is not a bad thing. It is a signal that something is wrong and often helps us to move on from a situation that is not healthy for us. It’s how we handle the anger that is good or bad.

When we find ourselves feeling crazy with anger we can count to 10; walk away from the situation and return after we’ve calmed down; or take a few minutes to pray even if the prayer is simply “help.” Or we can kick and scream and yell and gossip. It’s our choice really.

How you handle your anger says a lot about where you are in life.

Anger Release

“Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to.”
—Harriet Lerner

Human beings get angry. There are justified and unjustified reasons we become angry, but to deny that we are will never solve any issue.

When any negative emotion is within us, it causes us to see that something is not right. We may label a feeling anger that is more correctly defined as hurt or some other issue, but whatever it is we need to allow ourselves the time and energy to feel it and release it.

Feeling our feelings is how we move on. Suppressing our feelings, especially anger, is how we find ourselves in the middle of a big mess emotionally. To deny a feeling does not mean it doesn’t exist. To justify it does not determine that we need to hold onto it. Even if we have reason to be angry it’s still our feeling and one that is not conducive to love, joy, and peace.

We get angry for a reason. It may have very little to do with the situation at hand, and a lot to do with our baggage and unfelt and unexpressed anger from the past. Sometimes anger is telling us that we need to make a change in a situation or get out of it completely. Anger in itself is not bad. Anger can cause inertia to make big or small changes within and around us.

There are healthy ways to release anger: pound a pillow, punch a bag, run, take a fast walk, meditate, pray, ride a bike, any number of things can help us to feel and release the anger. Holding it in will only add fuel to the next situation where anger exists.

Anger can help us know when something is not right, but we ought to never hang onto it.

Expectations

“Anger always comes from frustrated expectations.”
—Elliott Larson

It is difficult to go into any situation having no expectations. When we enter into any relationship, whether it is work related or personal, we want certain things. But our expectations may be far off from those on the other side of the relationship.

What’s especially difficult and frustrating is when there is a lack of communication in the situation, when not only are we not getting our needs met as expected, but the other person is not capable of entering into conversation about the relationship.

It isn’t fair to become angry when another person does not meet the needs that we expected. We simply need to allow that person to be who they are and do what they do. If we need to move on we do that. If we need to adjust our expectations we can do that as well, but we don’t try to demand that they become someone they are not simply because of our expectations.

The best way to enter into any relationship is to not have expectations. Often our expectations can cause a relationship to fail before we even give it a chance. If we want more from someone than they are willing or able to give, we have choices about that situation. We can try to demand more and if not given our desires we move on. Or we can allow the other person to give what they are able and not demand more. Then we seek to have those needs met from other people.

Perhaps we need to be more forthcoming about our needs in a relationship if we are finding ourselves frustrated or angry with the other person. Maybe if they knew what we wanted they would be more able to meet those needs. And if they are not able to meet our expectations we can stop waiting and hoping for that to happen.

Most importantly relationships require communication — from both parties involved — in order for expectations to be met. Sometimes the other person tells us what they want and we are so busy trying to get our needs met that we don’t hear them. They may have told us in the very beginning what they wanted out of our relationship and we still try to force our desires. Listening to the other person is just as important as saying what we want.

To avoid frustrated expectations communication is essential.

Staying Open

“When we close ourselves off from our friends, our fellow travelers, we block God’s path to us and through us. …When we close ourselves off from each other, we have destroyed the vital contribution we each need to make and to receive in order to nurture life.”
—Karen Casey

Not shutting down after being hurt is difficult. Staying open despite our pain takes a great deal of effort. And we may need to shut down temporarily from time to time. But to stay shut off, to build up another wall each time we are disappointed and hurt is not the answer. Putting up walls and shutting down just adds to our pain.

If we are living a full life we are going through painful experiences. That’s just how life is. We know that we grow through the tough times, we’ve already learned that. Then why do we get angry with ourselves and God when we find that we are in the midst of a painful growing situation? Most likely because we expect perfection from ourselves and wish we could have known not to go into the situation where we got hurt. We blame God because we don’t understand God.

Some of our pain from a situation can be from prior relationships, issues from when we were still children, and low self-esteem. For instance, if we have a fear of abandonment and we are abandoned by someone, it’s easy to see the pain of the current situation magnified.

Even when we feel a lot of anger in a situation with someone, we can know that the person that hurt us was placed in our lives for a reason. That may not be clear to us at the time of our intense pain, but hopefully one day when the pain has lessened we will see. And likewise, we were put in the other person’s life for their growth.

Whenever we are hurting it feels as if the pain will never stop that we will never feel good again. But we will return to a better place. And we’ll have learned something in the process. We will also be stronger. But the experience, the pain we felt, the growth, will only be worth it if we continue to live and stay open.

Shutting down is the only thing that keeps the pain present and keeps us from growth.

Dealing with Frustration

“My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.”
—Phyllis Diller

Frustration is something that we all have in our lives and how we deal with it is important for our sanity and well-being.

An especially frustrating thing is dealing with other people when communication is not perfect, which it rarely is. Often our assumptions and expectations can cloud our thinking causing us to hear what we want to hear and miss the truth only later to be disappointed, hurt, and frustrated.

There are ways to deal with stress and frustration. We can go for a run, walk, a workout at the gym, take a nap, punch a bag, go for a bike ride, and on and on. Sometimes just getting away from the situation helps when we can do that. And at other times we need to stay in it and talk it out with whoever is frustrating us.

Usually when we are frustrated or angry with another person, we end up saying things that we don’t mean to say; the words come out and we can’t take them back. So stepping away or out of the middle of something for a while and “simmering down” can be a very healthy thing and possibly keep us from further spinning ourselves into a hole with the situation.

We may want to cry, rant, and rave as the quote above says, and there’s nothing wrong with that as long as we use it to process the situation and move on, rather than staying stuck in it. If only it was as easy as she describes above to move on from certain things.

We really have so little control over frustrating situations when they involve others. Letting go of our need to control the outcome goes a long way in lessening our frustration level. Turning it over to our Higher Power is a great solution.

When frustration hits — do something — so the hole isn’t dug deeper.

Offer Blessings Not Curses

“Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.”
—The Bible, Romans 12:14

When we are hurt by or angry with someone our first thought is usually to curse them. We want them to feel bad. Sometimes we would even like to tell them off. We want them to feel the pain that we think they have bestowed upon us. It’s a natural impulse. And whether or not we’re a believer in the Bible, the teachings in it say we should offer blessings for those who hurt us.

Other religions teach this principle as well and in the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book readers are given this instruction: “If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don’t really want it for them, and your prayers are only words and you don’t mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love.”

It’s very difficult to be angry with someone and pray for them at the same time. And if nothing else there is a calm feeling when praying for them and thinking good thoughts. When we curse the person and wish bad things for them, we keep the resentment alive in our own heart and mind.

Bitterness eats away at the person who owns the feeling, not the person they are angry with. When you want to curse someone, stop instead and say “bless this person” and God will hear your prayer.

Curses just keep the anger alive, blessings bring peace and healing.

Don’t Get Burned

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
—Buddha

It’s awfully difficult to let go of certain things when we get angry at someone, but we all know that when we hold on to it we are the ones who are getting hurt. People don’t often treat each other with respect and kindness. And some folks are just downright mean about how they charge through life like a bull in a china closet.

When we haven’t done anything wrong and we get treated in a bad or disrespectful way it’s easy to hold a grudge against the person who did it. But it really gets us nowhere to be angry and hold onto it.

Anger can move us to action in good ways sometimes, but once we’ve wrung anything good out of a particular angry moment, it is time to let it go. How we let go can vary from person to person and from event to event, but we do it the best way we can. We may have to hit a punching bag, run several miles, work out at the gym, scream, pray, meditate, whatever gets that feeling out of us so that we are not holding onto it and causing ourselves sickness.

Sometimes there’s no response suitable for what someone did. We have to learn from it and not let what happened repeat itself if it’s avoidable in the future. First and foremost we take care of ourselves and do what we need in the situation.

Releasing anger frees us. It isn’t saying what they did was OK, it’s just forgiving them and moving on so that we are healthy and able to live our lives in a good way.

Don’t let anger burn you.