Making Amends

“Classic remorse, as all the moralists are agreed, is a most undesirable sentiment. If you have behaved badly, repent, make what amends you can and address yourself to the task of behaving better next time. On no account brood over your wrongdoing. Rolling in the muck is not the best way of getting clean.”
—Aldous Huxley

Sometimes forgiving ourselves can be more difficult than doing so for another. We make amends and then we struggle with what we did to another person and we can’t seem to let go of it.

When we do wrong we must make amends. Doing so is apologizing and then not continuing the behavior. If we just say “I’m sorry” and do it again the apology is worthless. But to continue to beat ourselves up over what we did won’t get us anywhere either. We can transfer our brooding energy into learning new ways to behave so that we won’t need to make amends again for the same thing.

Most of us never intend to hurt another person, but sometimes we do. It’s okay to be less than perfect since nobody is and we all will make mistakes from time to time where we need to make amends and forgive ourselves. It’s a process just like everything else in life. We may even make mistakes in performing the amends, and that’s just okay too.

We don’t have to beat ourselves up all the time. We are good enough and right where we are supposed to be. The lesson is there to be learned in the moment so we need to get it.

Forgive yourself as fast as you wish to be forgiven.

Behavior

“True remorse is never just a regret over consequence; it is a regret over motive.”
—Mignon McLaughlin

There are those who participate in life with behavior that models a bull in a china cabinet. They mow over anyone who gets in their way with poor behavior, both in words and deeds. And often these same people will offer up an apology that is so superficial it leaves those in their wake shaking their heads in disgust.

The ninth step of the Twelve Steps of recovery instructs: “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.” Those who work the steps don’t always find forgiveness for the actions they are making amends over. But the amends are made anyway. Twelve Step programs teach us to change our behavior as we learn and grow, so hopefully motives are changed in the future.

It’s important to understand that behaviors have consequences and that often a simple, “I’m sorry,” does not fix everything so it is important to learn from our mistakes and try to change our behavior in the future so that we don’t repeat that which is not kind.

Living our lives as if a simple apology will fix any wrongful act is not the solution. Our desire should be behavior that is kind and loving, and if we do something that needs an apology we offer it.

Apologies should be used when needed, not as a way of life.