Reining in Anger

“If you kick a stone in anger, you’ll hurt your own foot.”
—Korean Proverb

So many times when someone angers us, we spin ourselves into a place that may feel out of control. Some of us throw things, others kick and scream, and sometimes we are so mad we want to hurt the other person. Hopefully we don’t proceed in an effort to hurt another because we’ve been hurt since that solves nothing.

It helps to remember that having anger does not take away what the other person did to hurt us. Nothing really makes what they did go away, although an apology from them and forgiveness by us will help a lot.

If at all possible we can ease the situation when we treat those who anger us with love, kindness, and compassion. Yes, this is a tall order and perhaps one of the most difficult things we can do, but it does diffuse the situation and can restore us to peace.

Holding onto the anger by letting it fester and by telling everyone we can how angry we are won’t do much to make it go away. We probably will just get worked up over and over as we tell it to anyone who will listen.

Anger is not a bad thing. It is a signal that something is wrong and often helps us to move on from a situation that is not healthy for us. It’s how we handle the anger that is good or bad.

When we find ourselves feeling crazy with anger we can count to 10; walk away from the situation and return after we’ve calmed down; or take a few minutes to pray even if the prayer is simply “help.” Or we can kick and scream and yell and gossip. It’s our choice really.

How you handle your anger says a lot about where you are in life.

Be Your Best You

“Do not wish to be anything but what you are, and try to be that perfectly.”
—St. Francis De Sales

At times in our lives we may find that others try to shatter our self-image. It may be that we don’t do things the way they think we should, or they offer criticism for other reasons, perhaps because they feel inadequate compared to us.

But we really don’t need to let what others think about us have an affect on who we think we are. We cannot let others’ insecurities cause us harm by making us think we are inadequate. We are good enough, what we do is sufficient.

Just because we do things in a different way from another does not mean we are not okay. We all have areas there we need to grow, but we are still okay as we are in the moment.

There are also things we all have to be proud of and we ought to remember those things. Graduating from college; buying our first home or fifth home; raising healthy and happy children; landing a good job or simply doing a good job at the one we have; being an active member of society who gives time and/or money to those in need; the list could go on and on.

Make your own list. Put on it the things you’ve done that you are proud of. Don’t forget things that took a lot of strength, perhaps you left an abusive relationship or stood up to a bully in your life. If there’s not much on the list of things you’ve done that you feel good about, it might help to ask those close to you what they see. Often others will see the good in us when our minds are clouded by our failures.

Whenever we feel down it’s a good time to check our accomplishments list.

Life Is Difficult

“Conquering any difficulty always gives one a secret joy, for it means pushing back a boundary-line and adding to one’s liberty.”
—Henri Frederic Amiel

We all face times in our lives that are more difficult than others. Sometimes we have to say no when we know they would rather have us say yes. But to be true to ourselves we know that we have to do the right thing.

There are times when the truth hurts another person. Perhaps we have to end a relationship because we don’t have the feelings necessary for the other person to move forward. They may insist that we not end it, but we know it’s what has to be done, no matter if it hurts, and know that ending a no-win situation now is better than later.

There are other times when we deal with sickness and death of friends and family. We may prefer to do anything but visit a loved one in the hospital or attend a funeral, but again, we know that it’s the right thing to do so we face our difficulty and do it.

When we find ourselves in difficult situations we have options on how we can handle them. Facing our difficulties head on rather than hiding away and living in dishonesty is the best thing. It takes a lot out of us, and the situation may get worse before it gets better, but we do it anyway.

We grow from each and every difficulty we face and conquer. We find that we feel better doing the right thing, than we do when we face issues in a way that is dishonest to us and others.

Eventually if we hurt someone in the process of being honest, they will see that we did what we did because it was right for us and them in the long run. Often telling a lie may seem like a solution, and it may bring temporary relief in the situation, but in the end the truth wins out anyway, so it’s better to be honest and up front in the moment.

Doing a difficult thing the right way will bring growth and peace.

Self-Care in Relationships

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”
—Unknown

Many of us will, from time to time, find ourselves in a place where we don’t do what we want or need to do because we are doing for another. We may do this out of kindness, but sometimes we do it from a needy place because we think that if we don’t we won’t have that person in our lives anymore.

It’s certainly okay from time to time to put ourselves last instead of first, but it’s not good to do it the whole time we are in a relationship, whether it’s a friendship, romantic, work, volunteer, or any other kind of relationship.

People who put themselves first all the time in relationships are not that fun to be with. We’ve all known the type who always talks about themselves and never lets anyone else discuss anything. Or those who don’t have any manners such as saying thank you when you do something for them, as if they simply expected it.

Our lives should never be put on hold for another, especially when they don’t appreciate or even notice. Relationships are give and take, ideally 50-50, but sometimes that doesn’t happen every moment. But we need to take care of who we are and not have ourselves used or abused by another. We ought to also be mindful of how we treat others and not do that to someone else.

If we find ourselves feeling a bit on the used and not appreciated side of the relationship, we can talk it over with the other person. If that doesn’t make things any better then it is time to walk away and take care of ourselves.

Don’t put them first when they put you last, you’re only hurting yourself.

Patience in Progress

“Patience is also a form of action.”
—Auguste Rodin

When we are on a journey through recovery, or simple acts of life for that matter, it is difficult to be patient with our progress. We made a decision to change a behavior, to grow in or emotional health, perhaps we are mending financial errors or a relationship, and it does not happen overnight.

One way to remember to be patient with progress is to realize that whatever we are trying to move away from, or grow through, or recover from did not get the way it is overnight. The damage we did to our lives with drug addiction, overeating, alcoholism, anger issues, and on and on, did not just suddenly happen. And so it goes with turning our lives around. It is a process and it takes time.

If we are in debt because we didn’t work or spent all our money on drugs, it would take the lottery to get us caught up in one fell swoop. It’s the same when we hit bottom in addiction, it’s going to take a lot of small steps to get out of that hole; baby steps or crawling, and time.

e want what we want when we want it. That’s just how most of us are, but it takes patience and persistence to get where we want to be. We can take the small actions as they come to us and in the long run all of those will get us to where we are going. Most of the time we really don’t know our destination, we may think we do, but during the process things change, we change and our destination may not even turn out to be as we thought it would.

As we move through our lives and recovery we can know that each and every step has value, even when it’s two steps forward and one back, we are making progress. Patience with this may be hard most of the time, but it is a valuable tool.

Patience helps us deal with the time it takes to get where we need to be.

Freedom

“There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way.”
—Christopher Morley

Many of us find ourselves living a life free from those things which used to bind us once we begin down the trail of recovery. Whether it’s freedom from an addiction, an abusive relationship, family of origin issues, or any other thing that binds us and keeps us from joy, we can be free of it.

When we find ourselves in that place, having broken free, is usually where we discover just how much we have been under the control of people, places or things. Sometimes when we are in the throws of an issue we don’t see it. But when we are free we can begin to live the life we want, not one controlled by anyone else or anything else.

Of course there are rules and laws in the world, but within the parameters of these we really are free, at least if we live in a country that gives us liberty. It’s easy to come out of an oppressive situation and not realize the freedom so it is important to know that it’s there.

We truly can spend our time the way we choose and that’s a wonderful success story in and of itself. It’s something that those in recovery groups can share with newcomers as part of the rewards of recovery.

Breaking free from oppression gives us the ultimate freedom.

Good and Bad Judgment

“Good judgment comes from experience, and often experience comes from bad judgment.”
—Rita Mae Brown

Our lives do not always follow a path that is smooth and easy. Some of us went down the road of drug abuse or alcoholism and had lots of experiences from bad judgment that taught us. If we had not made the decisions we made that caused us pain and loss we might not have learned the lessons that we did.

Our experiences can help others, and we never want to see someone else go down that same road, but because we have we cannot judge when they do and we find ourselves more able to understand why.

I often find myself beginning to judge another for some action or behavior. More often than not the situation is very similar to one I was in when I was the age of the one I am standing in judgment of. It causes me to pause and reflect upon my own life and how readily able I find myself to judge someone else.

My path took me to the depths of despair, but the lessons learned many years ago have stayed with me; they usually do when we truly find ourselves that far down. 

I was reminded of this when a famous athlete from my home state, who at the time of this event was in the NFL making millions of dollars, was busted for cocaine possession. It was shocking and many people were interviewed or posted online their reaction to it. Words such as stupid, loser, thug and others were thrown around and I wondered how many of those who were casting judgment had ever done anything they regretted when they were 25 years old.

We often make mistakes in our lives and our memories are short lived about them sometimes. We can be grateful for our lessons learned and realize that when others make mistakes that it’s time for them to learn something too. We can give others the same right to make a mistake as we had.

Bad judgment teaches us lessons, but we are not to judge others for theirs.

Physical Health

“To keep the body in good health is a duty … otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear.” 
—Buddha

Taking care of our physical health is just as important as our spirituality and emotional state. Without our body we are nothing on this earth, so to ignore our physical health is to neglect ourselves completely.

When we push ourselves to keep going when we are really too tired and need to rest, we do a disservice to ourselves. To trudge on and not miss work or some other obligation while we feel the need to rest can in turn cause us to miss much more than if we’d rested when we needed to. We push to exhaustion and illness at times because we don’t want to miss out or feel that things cannot go on without us.

When we are tired we need to rest. When we are sleepy we should sleep. If we need a break from a routine of work or volunteerism we should take it. Pushing through is not always a good thing. We may have been programmed to believe that we always have to do things no matter how bad we feel; that’s not good advice and we can let go of that now.

When we continue to do when we are sick or in need of rest will often cause us to become physically ill. Our immune systems cannot function properly when we are not rested. So we ought to consider that when moving forward through illness we may miss out on more than if we would just stop and take care of ourselves when we need to.

Missing out on one day to rest could save you from losing days or weeks to illness.

Playing it Safe

“If you’re never scared or embarrassed or hurt, it means you never take any chances.”
—Julia Soul

Rarely, if ever, will we find a person who has never had any fear or hurt or found themselves in an embarrassing situation. We all have fears and anxiety about things that are not in our comfort zones. And we all make mistakes that cause us to feel embarrassed.

We can go through life always playing it safe, never taking a risk, or venturing out to do things we have never tried before. If we do this we will avoid embarrassing situations for the most part. Of course, we won’t get to have as much fun and we won’t grow much as people. We probably will become bored if we aren’t already.

The opportunities we have in life very often contain things which we fear and we may fail when we first attempt them and feel like fools, but in living full lives we must, as Eleanor Roosevelt said, “do the thing you think you cannot do.”

We don’t have to start with every challenge or fear, but we need to start with something. We can do one thing that we have fear about. If we’re afraid of water we can take swimming lessons. Maybe we’re afraid of heights so we start with a height we can manage and go up a little more. If we’re afraid to go to school we can start with one class and see how that goes and then take more in the future after we see that we can manage it.

It’s up to us if we want to live or exist. Letting fear stop us, playing it safe is the easy way, but not the most rewarding. We can and will conquer those things that hold us back when we truly give it a shot.

Hiding behind a fear will only keep you hidden.

Fun is Good

“Are we having fun yet?”
—Carol Burnett

If we cannot answer yes to the question above we probably are filled with stress and tension, aren’t getting good sleep, have aches and pains, and may be quite grumpy or even depressed. Life was not meant to be all work and no play. And when we neglect to have fun we pay for it in the end.

We are busy and stretch our time to get all we can out of life, but often we neglect to play. Children know how to enjoy life. Sure, they don’t have all the responsibilities that we adults have, but they can be good examples for us.

We need to find things that we enjoy doing; things that make us laugh like children. We can do simple things like play in a water sprinkler; go to an amusement park or ride the go-carts; go to the zoo and make silly animal noises; anything that gives us a giggle and relieves some of the daily stresses of life.

If we know any children to do these things with it will help because they are usually uninhibited and know how to have fun and be silly. Somewhere in the growing up process many of us lose the ability to let go and have fun.

When we incorporate play into our stressful lives we sleep better and are more effective in the things we do when we get back to them. We may be in a line of work that doesn’t allow us to laugh much so we have to make the best of the time we do have to be childlike.

Give yourself permission to act like a child sometimes and you’ll find that life is more fulfilling.