Resolving Misunderstandings

“To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.”
—Anthony Robbins

We have all had the displeasure of having communicated in a way that we found to be quite appropriate, only to have others misinterpret what we said. This is most often either caused by a lack of actually listening, or it’s a perception issue because others don’t always communicate in the same way we do.

Once there has been miscommunication it takes willingness by all involved to attempt reconciliation or the issue may never be resolved. One cannot simply take all the blame and expect to move on as if it never occurred if feelings were hurt or damage was done.

Miscommunication must be resolved with further communication between two level headed individuals who have stepped away long enough to talk without arguing. And this means talking about the situation completely by repeating what was said and explaining what that meant coming from the one who said it. The person on the other end must be free to communicate how they heard it and what it meant to them. After both sides have established what the conflict is, hopefully it may be resolved by both parties explaining how they feel.

The worst thing we can do is have a misunderstanding and simply walk away from a relationship leaving one or both parties with hurt feelings. Communication is not that difficult if two people are willing to attempt resolution. And it’s usually best resolved among only those involved without bringing others into the situation. This causes further conflict and misunderstanding.

The best resolution to misunderstanding is open and honest communication.

Gratitude

“Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation.”
—Brian Tracy

When events in our lives don’t go the way we want, an attitude of gratitude will help us to see and accept that things happen for a certain reason. Often we don’t know the reason we can’t have something that we desire, but we can offer our gratitude for that which we do have.

Sometimes we need to reframe our thinking about situations. Perhaps we really despise our routine day-to-day chores like cleaning house, mowing the yard, going into work, and so forth. But if we stop to think about it, we can find gratitude that we have a job, and a home, and a yard that needs to be tended to.

It’s not easy to be grateful when we are having a rough time. It’s difficult to have an attitude of gratitude when the one we love walks away to be with another. And if we are in a job we hate, saying thanks every day for that job is probably not the first thing we think of to do. But each of these things is an opportunity for growth and has some reason for happening.

We will find love again. Not being happy at our job is incentive to find a better one. When we are grieving over these types of situations we can be grateful for what we do have. Even a job we hate is offering income to pay the bills until we can find one that suits us better. And if someone walked away from us in love, then it wasn’t meant to be and there’s not a whole lot that can be done about that.

When we give thanks for what we have we open the door for not only happiness within, but also to be offered something else in the future. It’s how the universe works … maybe because when we offer gratitude it affects our actions, and maybe because He who gives honors us for being thankful.

Giving thanks in trying times offers more hope for the future than wallowing in misery.

Recognizing Gifts

“With everything that has happened to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself or treat what has happened as a gift. Everything is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing. You get to choose.”
—Wayne Dyer

We learn from mistakes, pain, and heartache, at least we should learn from these things. In the book, “Quiet Strength,” by Tony Dungy, he writes about a son he and his wife, Lauren, adopted who cannot feel physical pain. Someone with this affliction never learns to not eat something right out of the oven, or even not to touch the hot oven again, but for most of us, we learn this lesson early on.

There are those who have suffered severe injuries which cause physical disabilities, yet those people rather than feeling sorry for themselves go on to achieve great things. A person with a missing leg uses a prosthetic leg and runs marathons, or plays wheelchair basketball. Someone born without vision becomes a great musician. The list could go on and on.

And so it is with life issues including those that begin with our family of origin. For positive people who insist on growth rather than blame, the bad things that happened to us as children are just incentive to be better people. It is a gift if we choose for it to be. And if we choose to live in blame we will continue to live under the oppression that was placed up on us in our younger days.

We ought to each take what we are given and use it for good and not lament that which we do not have or which was taken from us too soon. Each day of life is a gift and ought to be treated as such. It is our choice and making the right decision on which side to look at will make or break our lives.

Choosing to learn rather than wallow in pain is always the best option.

Love Returns

“The more you love, the more love you are given to love with.”
—Lucien Price

Just like the lyrics of the song, “looking for love in all the wrong places,” oftentimes we do the same. We seek love and we don’t find it, because we are not only looking in the wrong places, we also aren’t giving love out.

Sometimes we can need to be loved so much that we turn others away. We become needy and emotional and our behavior reeks of that which does not attract, but rather repels. Most people are not attracted to needy people.

When we discover a healthy way of giving love we will find ourselves almost overwhelmed by what we receive in return. We may not immediately find the romantic love we seek, but we also discover that we just don’t need it as much as we thought because we are loved, and we have learned self-love as well.

Not only do we feel loved we are able to love others in unselfish ways, in actions that are giving and not self-seeking. And the Universe gives us back the love we gave in larger doses than we meted out.

We each have a need to feel plugged into something. Some of us have lost our parents and may not have any living family. Some may have family that is unable to show love and we need to feel loved. It’s important to our well-being to find a place to share our love with others. There are always options. Volunteering, joining a church or recovery group, or any number of places where there are others who need love just as we do.

Once we are able to give love and find its return life becomes more full and joyous and it alters our behavior to stop seeking because we have found.

Love returns to us in greater amounts than we give, but we must give first.

Behavior

“True remorse is never just a regret over consequence; it is a regret over motive.”
—Mignon McLaughlin

There are those who participate in life with behavior that models a bull in a china cabinet. They mow over anyone who gets in their way with poor behavior, both in words and deeds. And often these same people will offer up an apology that is so superficial it leaves those in their wake shaking their heads in disgust.

The ninth step of the Twelve Steps of recovery instructs: “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.” Those who work the steps don’t always find forgiveness for the actions they are making amends over. But the amends are made anyway. Twelve Step programs teach us to change our behavior as we learn and grow, so hopefully motives are changed in the future.

It’s important to understand that behaviors have consequences and that often a simple, “I’m sorry,” does not fix everything so it is important to learn from our mistakes and try to change our behavior in the future so that we don’t repeat that which is not kind.

Living our lives as if a simple apology will fix any wrongful act is not the solution. Our desire should be behavior that is kind and loving, and if we do something that needs an apology we offer it.

Apologies should be used when needed, not as a way of life.

Trust in Self

“Trust in yourself. Your perceptions are often far more accurate than you are willing to believe.”
—Claudia Black

Most of us could not count on our fingers the number of times our instincts told us that something was one way, yet we tried to believe and twist it otherwise. We knew that a particular person was not right for us in friendship or romance. We perceived that our next action in some life changing event was wrong, but we did it anyway. We quit something before we were finished.  Basically we knew something but doubted our self.

It’s important to find that place within us that we can trust. When we really know something and we try to shift reality it will not work. It’s important to stay positive in life, but to claim that we can do something impossible does not make it so. To pretend that someone who has always been unloving to us and others is suddenly going to change is not reality.

We know ourselves better than anyone else can know us, but so often we look outside of us to find our answers and make decisions. We can trust our gut instincts; that’s our wisdom. It may have failed us in the past, but we have grown to a new level and we can trust our perceptions to be just and true.
Once we determine to trust our instincts we begin to see that we really can believe in our own knowledge and wisdom. Our lives are made easier when we don’t try to force something to work which is not meant to work.

Our instincts are there for a reason.

Practice Routines

“It’s not so much quantity as it is quality. In our daily preparation, it’s routine stuff. We emphasize fundamentals: we catch the ball and try to throw it straight. You try to find some type of comfort zone where if my practice habits are good, they carry over into the game.”
—Randy Ready

Daily preparation and routines are important to team sports, just as they are for individual athletes, musicians, doctors, bankers, ministers, and every other person. We practice the small daily routines in our lives and we are able to handle the big game of life, no matter if our job is on the ball field, in an office, or home.

Certain practices or habits can benefit our emotional and spiritual lives. A daily routine of reading our recovery books or spiritual materials will help us to start our day centered. Mediation and prayer are important elements to each day as well, and help us along our path of recovery and growth.

We can make these daily practices routine in our lives to the point where we miss them when we don’t do them. They become a part of our day just as brushing our teeth and eating are.

Having a routine may sound boring to some, but it’s easier to do what we need to do when we have time set aside for it each day. Some folks get up earlier in the morning to read, meditate, and pray. Others do these things at night. When doesn’t matter so much as doing.

It’s often the small things that we do every day that have the most impact in our lives. And the really great and magnificent things that we do are rare because it takes many small steps and hours of daily preparation to reach the heights. We simply aren’t made to do great things every day, but we are equipped to do what it takes on a daily basis to produce the end result.

Any sports team that wins a championship will say that it took hours of seemingly mundane practice of the same play over and over to achieve the greatness that was exhibited in the championship game. So it is with us.

You must practice the small things to reach the top.

Choose Optimism

“The optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; they pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious of the rose.”
—Kahlil Gibran

Living in the world we do it’s very easy to become jaded. For those who used to be optimistic and then were just beat down to a point where everything turned sour, it’s easy to see why they aren’t too enthused about life in general.

But there really is a better way. Living the life of an optimist is really much lighter than its opposite. When there are only clouds hanging over us and we portray that in our actions and speech, all we do is continue the gloominess.

Yes, sometimes optimism is a kind of denial, a lie even, I suppose. To say “I’m good” when things are really not going well may be stretching the truth, but if we look at what is right in our life we truly can say that. There are very few times in our lives that every single thing is just as we want it to be. When that does happen it’s fantastic and usually lasts a short time until a new issue comes around. But also there is always something positive in life even in our worst of times.

As someone who in the past lived under a cloud of pessimism I can attest to the fact that a positive, optimistic look at things is clearly the better route.

We all know people who only see the thorns in life and those are the folks we hope to not get stuck talking to. Sure, from time to time, we all have it rough and we need to lean on each other for support. We can’t always see sun on a cloudy day. What we can do is begin the practice of optimism and it will grow in us and become a part of who we are. People will be attracted to what we have and our lives will become better.

Optimism is not putting on blinders to what’s wrong; it’s simply facing things from a healthy perspective, one which offers us an opportunity for success. Gloom and doom thinking can become a part of us just like positivity can. 

Choose optimism over pessimism and life will be better.

Forgiveness is for the Forgiver

“When a deep injury is done us, we never recover until we forgive.”
 —Alan Paton

Forgiving when we have been wronged personally is one of the most difficult things we have to do.  But until we forgive we carry that injury with us as if it was happening over and over. We remain the victim of the abuse as long as we continue to give the other person power by not forgiving them.

We must remember that forgiveness is for us, not the person we forgive. And it does not necessarily mean that we condone what was done. We also must keep in mind that we forgive unconditionally, without expectation that the person will change their behavior in the future. We are not in charge of other people’s behavior; therefore forgiving them likely won’t cause any changes in their actions.

Often the person we are trying to forgive has not even apologized or asked us to forgive them. And their behavior may not be anything new and it certainly is unlikely to change, but we still need to let go of our anger and resentment; again this is for us not them.

It’s also likely that we won’t be able to forgive in a moment’s time. It takes time, prayer, giving it to God and taking it back over and over. It takes a willingness to let go of our anger and resentment with the knowledge that we have in a way let someone get away with their behavior.

When we forgive someone we can also set a boundary, one that will hopefully keep us from their harm again. If we were unjustly accused of something, or just treated badly in some way, we can protect ourselves from further harm by staying away from that person or situation if possible, but sometimes this is not an option. We can’t always cut ties with someone we need to forgive because they may be a parent or a child.

When we forgive we free ourselves from living as the victim. As long as we continue to hold a grudge we keep the wound of hurt open. Freedom for ourselves comes when we forgive.

Forgiveness is essential for peace and freedom.

Overcoming Weakness

“A man’s greatest strength develops at the point where he overcomes his greatest weakness.”
—Elmer G. Letterman

Everyone has weak spots, things in our lives that must be worked on more than others. Some because of what was done to us, some from things we did to ourselves, and others just something we were born with.

Weakness in any area of life does not always equal bad or wrong. It just means something that we must spend more time nurturing. Often what was once our greatest weakness becomes a strong point for us.
There are many people in the world who have overcome great obstacles to become presidents, CEOs, great parents, champion level athletes, and so forth. Bookstores and movie rental stores are filled with the stories of these people who grew up with nothing and made themselves into something not only good, but sometimes great. And there are those who may have been born with disease or handicap who rather than using that for an excuse turned it around to help others.

Just because we don’t have every gift and talent in existence does not limit us from using what we do have.  While we nurture what is weak, we also remember to develop and use those things about us that we are strong in.

And while we grow strong in our weaknesses we will remain humble in knowing that we are not perfect just as nobody else is.  Overcoming weaknesses is one way we grow. None of us would grow or mature much if everything was simple, or easy, or given to us.

We grow strong because we have things to overcome.