Fear of Change

“Don’t fear change, embrace it.”
—Anthony J. D’Angelo

Many of us fear change so much that we end up in ruts. Fear of the unknown, of change, is often something that keeps us stuck in our jobs, bad relationships, overweight, uneducated, using drugs, drinking excessively, and on and on.

Change is inevitable so we might as well embrace it when it happens outside our control because that’s going to happen quite frequently. And it really is a blessing when it occurs because it always leads to something better eventually.

None of us ever wants the shock of losing a job either by the company downsizing, fazing out our particular position, or simply getting fired. But often people will say after this happens that it was the best thing because they ended up in a better job or one more suited for them or it simply got them out of their rut. Sometimes the familiar, even if we are miserable, seems better than change. Yet we stay in the miserable place because we have too much fear.

We fear change in other ways as well. What if we lose that extra 50 pounds we are carrying and we still don’t feel loved, then what? Or if we leave a bad relationship we wonder if we’ll just end up alone and lonely. But alone and lonely can be better than bad.

What ifs can keep us stuck in patterns of self-defeating behavior. We rarely know what tomorrow holds and if we do it might have just been a lucky guess. If we know too much what the next day has in store, we may be in a rut because predictable days mean we aren’t growing much. The more we grow, the more changes come our way. And we must embrace the changes if we wish to grow.

Often change is out of our control and it can hit us when we least expect it. But we need to learn how to not immediately feel negativity about change and rather look at it for what it is, an opportunity for growth and maybe a new experience. Maybe that change that hits us broadside that we have no control over is exactly what we needed to motivate us to get out of the rut.

Change is going to happen with our without our participation.

Individuality

“When I was four years old they tried to test my IQ, they showed me this picture of three oranges and a pear. They asked me which one is different and does not belong; they taught me different was wrong.”
—Ani Difranco (song lyrics)

There are events in our lives like the one above which may form us and affect us the rest of our lives. But we don’t have to allow inappropriate lessons control us in our adult lives. We are each individual and unique and to try to fit ourselves into the mold of another will only stifle us. To know that we are okay just as we are is a very settling and secure thing in our lives.

We are okay as we are, while continuing our spiritual quests and emotional growth. We don’t have to do it in any particular way; we do that and our lives in our own unique way. We were created to be different so there’s no reason to try to be just like someone else or just the way someone wants us to be.

Sure, we have Twelve Step programs, counselors, sponsors, teachers, pastors, etc., to guide us, but we still have freedom to be who we are and to go about our lives just as uniquely as we were created. To be different in any way from the next person is never to be perceived as wrong or right for that matter, it just is.

We ought not conform to what we think others expect of us, of who we are. We will never be happy trying to fit in with what we think others expect because we’ll always be changing to be like who we are with at the moment. We can’t be a whole and happy individual if we are not able to be who we are.

Spend a few minutes each day thinking about doing what you want based upon your desires and not what you think others want from you. Being your true self rather than a chameleon is the only way to be truly happy and fit in as well.

We were created to be unique, why would we want to be anything else?

Holding Onto Peace

“Find the peace that prevails even when the turbulent waters of the river roar through your life.”
—Melody Beattie

It is such an easy task to say we have peace in our lives; that is, until the storm hits. And because life has times or turbulence, just like it has those days where we seem to float down a peaceful stream, we must ensure that we have ways to find peace when we lose it.

A person can’t really force peace, but to get it we can slow down, take a deep breath, and think things through. We can go to a place where we know we can find it, such as a mountaintop, a favorite reading or meditation place in our home, on a trip down a country road, anywhere that allows us to find serenity.

We don’t find peace stressing about tomorrow, or worrying about yesterday. So staying in the moment is a start. Sometimes what we have to do in order to have peace is wait, and at other times we must take action. We back away, or we move in. Situations call for different solutions.

Peace comes with faith in a Higher Power. It comes with the knowledge that there are rocky times in all of our lives and that we cannot expect perfection within us our around us. We get peace when we understand that feelings are what they are and not something that defines us. We can find peace in love, forgiveness, and grace.

Often we hold onto the past with such a tight grip that there’s no room for peace. We cling to hurt and wrongs done to us, which only continue to make us a victim. We need to move away from the grip on turmoil and we do that when we forgive; when we put love first; and sometimes simply by the grace of God.

When we find peace, we ought to try to hold onto it, and when we can’t keep it in our grips we remember how we got it so we can go back when we need to, when the turbulent waters roar too loudly in our lives to find it.

Find out what brings you peace and remember it so you can return when it’s lost.

Hope Always

“Hope is like a bird that senses dawn and carefully starts to sing while it is still dark.”
—Unknown

If we knew what the next moment held, or the next hour, tomorrow, or next year, we would most likely live our lives in a different way than we do not knowing. But since it’s impossible to know the future, most of us choose to live our lives in a positive hope filled manner.

I’m certain that we have all experienced those moments in our lives when we had given up on something only to have that situation turn around. Maybe we thought we’d never find a job, get our bills caught up, find peace in life, get sober, move on from a bad relationship, or start a new one. There are always going to be disappointments. But like the bird who sings before the sun rises above the horizon, there is hope.

Without hope we might as well just give up. It can be the only thing that keeps us going at times. And we have it because we’ve experienced those moments when just around the corner we found what we so desperately needed or desired.

Yes, we can crawl in a hole and give up on life when we find things aren’t going the way we would like them to. Or we can hold out hope and pray for what we want and need. And while we wait for those things, we can remain active in the world both by giving of ourselves and our talents, and by receiving what others have to give to us.

Either way, life goes on, it goes on with or without our presence so we ought to show up and be accounted for. We will very often get what we totally do not expect and sometimes this feels like a gift and at other times this feels like a slap in the face, but being open to life offers us lots, we just must take the good with the bad, or seemingly bad. Sometimes what we perceive as bad — having something taken away or not getting what we want — is in reality a gift in disguise.

Hope keeps us going in the face of trials, disappointments, or in times where patience is needed.

Be True to You

“This above all; to thine own self be true.”
—William Shakespeare

Being true to who we are is really the only way we can be if we choose to be healthy mentally and spiritually. Although some change is inevitable, and we can modify a lot of our behavior and thinking, we never do this overnight and some of who we are will never be different. Change comes with a lot of prayer, meditation, struggles, pain, and growth — eventually.

We cannot suddenly wake up one day and like the color yellow if we’ve always hated that color. We don’t just make up our mind that we should change our thinking and have it changed instantly. Certainly God is able to make a sudden change in us, but if that happens we’ll know it.

It’s okay to have standards for whom and what we allow into our lives. If we don’t want a certain career then we should not seek that no matter who tells us we should. And by the same token if we aren’t attracted to a particular trait or behavior in people we should not expect that we can be in a deep and caring relationship with a person who has that characteristic. We don’t have to try to be something that we are not just to mold ourselves into who we think others want us to be, or if we think there’s something wrong with us for being the way we are.

Each of us is unique. If we all liked the same exact things we might as well be produced from a cookie cutter. We don’t have to like what we don’t like and we don’t have to try to be attracted to that which we are uninterested.

We may think we are shallow minded for not liking certain things, for not being able to look past something, but trying to go against a core belief within us and pretending that thing doesn’t matter just won’t get it. We may work on the issue and change eventually, but pretending it isn’t there because we aren’t proud of it won’t make it go away. And in reality there’s most likely nothing to be ashamed of. We either like certain things or we don’t. That doesn’t make it right or wrong.

You cannot be true to yourself if you try to mold into what you think others want you to be.

Knowledge of God’s Will

“Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him; praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.”
—Step Eleven of Twelve Step programs

When we pray for the knowledge of God’s will for us, and the power to carry that out, we ought not to then question why certain things do not happen the way we want. We can’t have it both ways. We cannot have our will be done and God’s will be done unless they are in line with one another.

Sometimes even when we think that we are in the midst of something that feels so much like it is an answer to prayer, we find that it wasn’t the particular answer we were seeking. Perhaps it is a lesson to be learned that we aren’t even sure what issue it involves. Maybe it leads to the answer we are seeking, but we just don’t see the big picture — yet.

We just have to keep seeking conscious contact and praying for knowledge of His will and the ability to do it. We won’t be asked to do anything without also being blessed with the gifts and ability to do that. And if we rely only on our will, we will continue to struggle like a fish out of water.

It’s not an easy task to follow God’s will, especially if we don’t know what that is. But if we pray for knowledge of it we will be more aware. There are times that we may not know what the next right thing is, or why something happened, but we can see what isn’t right, and just maybe see that we were very blessed that things did not go the way we wanted.

God does know best and He will not lead us into wrong things. We go there ourselves. He will use experiences to teach us, to help us grow closer to Him, and for us to gain wisdom. If something feels wrong, it more than likely is. God things click, they don’t cause us a whole lot of problems unless we struggle against them.

We more often than not know what’s going on with things in life, although we often act shocked and want to believe that we didn’t. Our intuition is good, most likely because God’s using that to connect with us. When we follow our intuition, when we go with our gut, we seldom are wrong. And this is not to say that we won’t have difficulties, pain, and loss, it just means that we are being led if we would just use the tools we were given to follow that lead.

When we are in God’s will we will know it and feel peace.

Asking for Help

“The healthy, the strong individual, is the one who asks for help when he needs it; whether he has an abscess on his knee or in his soul.”
—Rona Barrett

Whenever we are dealing with something, learning a new thing, or simply just need support it is not only okay to ask for help, it’s what we ought to do.

Whether we are experiencing pain over something, need help lifting a heavy item, need advice on how to do something, or maybe just want a listening ear, it is a good thing to reach out to another. Others have gone through what we have, or perhaps just bouncing ideas off of them will help us make a decision or solve a dilemma.

Many of us want to be too strong. We think that we have to do it alone, that asking for help means we can’t handle things ourselves, but that’s just not true. None of us was equipped for every situation. Just as one is unable to lift a heavy object, another may be in need of help writing a letter. One may be strong in relationships, while the other could have been through breakup after breakup.

God gave us each other to help. All of us were given our own unique gifts and talents and we ought to use what we have been blessed with in support of those who were not given that particular gift. And we should never feel less than for seeking help, rather we ought to realize that it takes a certain amount of strength to admit we cannot do all things alone.

Asking for help shows strength, not weakness.

Fair Treatment

“Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.”
—Dennis Wholey

We expect a lot of things in our lives and one of them is that if we do right; if we are kind and loving then we will get all of those things in return. But the reality is that sometimes no matter what we do, we do not receive back what we give.

We do not have control over what anyone else does, whether it’s a parent, boss, partner, friend, family member, or some random stranger. If we do try to control an outcome by acting a certain way then we are either being manipulative or playing games.

But just because we do not receive the same treatment as we give in every situation of our lives, we should still be kind and loving and try to do the right thing. While we do this, we also take care of our self; we don’t allow abuse or mistreatment of any kind. We do what we need to take care of ourselves. We walk away if we need to.
Nobody, God included, expects us to roll over and play victim. But expecting everyone to be kind and loving when we are is just not reality.

If we know that we have not treated someone fairly or kindly, then we can be at peace no matter how they treat us in return. We only have control over our own actions, behaviors, and thoughts. That’s our focus: to continue to be kind and loving.
And remember, just because one person or 10 people treat us badly, we still should not expect the next one to as well.

Continue to be kind and loving even when it appears nobody else is.

Patience Equals Peace

“The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not by smashing it.”
—Arnold H. Glasgow

The need to be patient seems at times to come about at every turn.

We are either waiting for someone to come or for them to go. We are impatient about time moving too fast or too slow. We get in a rush and find ourselves in a traffic jam with no way to get where we are going fast. We wait on God to answer our prayers and we are impatient.

When we are impatient it is probably about as far from peace as we can go. When we are impatient we become oversensitive and every feeling is exacerbated. We push too hard. We become agitated too easily. We cause some things to spin out of control.

Patient is one of the most difficult things to be when we are in the midst of something that requires it. But given our options there’s usually little else to do than be patient. We will get what we need when we need it.

We live in a world where instant gratification has become a reality in some ways but not all. But because we do have some things so quickly and at hand immediately, we have come to expect all things to be this way. The universe does not operate at computer speed. Nature has not changed because of technology.

So it is with relationships and issues with work and anything that isn’t immediate. We must “give time, time” as someone recently said to me. We seldom have much of a choice in situations but to be patient.

Finding patience in the midst of waiting will bring peace.

Foxhole Prayers

“The trouble with our praying is we just do it as a means of last resort.”
—Will Rogers

We often find ourselves saying foxhole prayers, those that we say because there’s nothing left to do. But how much easier our lives would be if we could only remember to pray before we are at a place where we have become desperate.

If we pray, then we have some belief that it’s being heard. It’s odd that we don’t remember to pray up front and instead often save it for last. We will contact our friends, sponsors, family, coworkers, therapists, or anybody who is available to ask advice or to tell about our woes — all the while neglecting to contact God for help.

God can and will still help us when we get in a mess, but we might avoid such predicaments if we would only seek guidance, strength, wisdom, and knowledge from our Higher Power up front.

Prayer can give us peace in the midst of our turmoil. Sometimes it may just be the act of stopping long enough to pray that gets us out of whatever thing we have gotten in the middle of. Certainly God can have a place in that peace, but just to think about God, that He is there with us every moment gives us a sense of peace and calms us.

Before we call on other people over a problem or a situation, we ought to seek out God’s assistance. Connect to God first and then see what happens. It’s a difficult thing to remember, but one that, if practiced, will prove to be a valuable asset for a good day. And keeping a spiritual connection will help us stay on track so we don’t have to end up in a foxhole crying out for help.

God is present always and should not be sought as a last resort.