Self-image

“An individual’s self-concept is the core of his personality. It affects every aspect of human behavior: the ability to learn, the capacity to grow and change. A strong, positive self-image is the best possible preparation for success in life.”
—Dr. Joyce Brothers

What we believe about ourselves is what the world sees; it shows in how we live our lives. If we don’t think very highly of our ability to love and nurture another person, we won’t seek out relationships. And if we don’t think we are smart, we won’t attempt to do things that take an education. Or if we don’t like our appearance, that can hold us back too.

The reality is that others rarely see us exactly as we see ourselves. Most of us are pretty darn tough on our self. We often hold ourselves to higher standards than we do other people. Or there are those who think so little of themselves that they just don’t even try.

Having a good self-image is vital to success. And it needs to be an honest evaluation so that if we need improvement in an area we will take on that challenge and do what we need to do to better our image.

If our behavior is in need of correcting, we do that. If we have put on a few too many pounds we take the steps necessary to fix that. Maybe we’ve shut down emotionally because we don’t think we are worth sharing our lives with another so we seek therapy or work with a program to learn how to be better able to allow ourselves to feel our emotions.

When we don’t believe in ourselves, nobody else is going to either. We set the tone for our lives by our attitude which is directly affected by our self-image. Another person cannot fix our self-image because we won’t believe what they say if we don’t think it too.

Do what is necessary to have a healthy self-image and find your life improved dramatically.

Inner Peace

“Do not lose your inward peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset.”
—Saint Francis De Sales

There are a few things we can count on in this world and one of those is that sometimes we will have a bad day for no apparent reason, or basically that things won’t always go the way we want them to no matter how hard we try or what we do.

But if we have true inner peace, when the storms of life hit us, we will be able to remain calm in the midst of it knowing that no matter what, we will be okay. We can remain peaceful knowing that no amount of anxiety or worry is going to change a situation.

Having inner peace is something that most likely has to be developed. It’s based on trust and faith. Usually we have it after experiences have taught us that it is possible to be at peace when things get crazy outside of ourselves.

Many times when we feel like we are going to lose control, our temper, or otherwise “freak out,” we can be reminded that it is okay to relieve our stress in healthy ways. That won’t make us lose our inner peace. We can cry and scream if we need to. Maybe we can work our frustration out on a punching bag, or go for a long hike or run.

Prayer and meditation have been proven to be effective means of gaining and keeping inner peace. Self-love — including a good level of self-esteem — and inner peace go hand in hand. We can’t have inner peace if we don’t feel capable of making good decisions or if we are behaving in unhealthy ways.

Some of the other keys to having and keeping inner peace involve forgiveness and acceptance. Knowing that others aren’t any more perfect than we are and allowing them to be that way. We also understand our humanness and allow ourselves to make mistakes without being too hard on us.

Knowing our limits by having the ability to say no when we are overwhelmed and yes when that is a good answer for us will also allow for inner peace. Just as unexpected events can draw on our reserves, so too can things we knowingly put ourselves in the middle of. Being aware of what we are doing, living a conscience life is also essential to having inner peace.

There are things outside of our control and within our control that can take away from or add to our inner peace. It’s up to us to decide if having inner peace is something we desire. If it is we will be willing to do what it takes to have it.

Inner peace takes effort, but so does the opposite.

Living with Handicaps

“But just because you haven’t led a normal life doesn’t mean you can’t lead a healthy life. Just because you have a reverse handicap — because you are special — doesn’t mean that you can’t be happy; it just means that it takes a lot of work to figure out how to do that.”
—Jodie Foster

We all have some sort of “handicap.” In comparison to those who have severe handicaps it may seem insensitive to state that fact, but it’s all relative. People with severe handicaps often do things that those who are seemingly normal wouldn’t attempt.

When faced with difficulties whether physical inadequacies, mental shortcomings, or emotional issues, what we do with that is what makes us who we are. It’s what makes us either special or someone who just uses excuses to never be the person we are meant to be.

We often take our situation in life for granted. Maybe we had some lucky breaks and got where we are with little effort. In that case we are most likely not going to be very strong when something goes wrong. But those who have spent a lifetime struggling because they are different in some way; they know a strength that will carry them through when life presents a new challenge.

Some of us are handicapped by pain or regret. We may have taken a path that we wish we had not chosen and now pay for it with consequences. Some were born “different” with a learning disorder, a physical deformity or chronic pain, a race that is not respected, or a sexual orientation that is condemned by a portion of society. But those things are a part of who we are and those who are considered different, those who were born with what makes them not fit the “normal” mold, don’t realize they are different because they just are who they are, who they were born to be.

Those who follow the teachings of the Bible would find that the people who are often condemned in this world are the same people that Jesus would love and embrace. Not to have pity for them, but because that’s what love is.

Handicaps can be an excuse to do nothing, or they can propel us to greatness.

Denial

“Self-acceptance comes from meeting life’s challenges vigorously. Don’t numb yourself to your trials and difficulties, nor build mental walls to exclude pain from your life. You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems, but by confronting them courageously. You will find peace not in denial, but in victory.”
—J. Donald Walters

No matter what we do in life we can either sugarcoat it into something better than it was, or curse all over it and turn it into something negative. Whether it’s a thought, an action, a fear, it is what it is no matter if we’re in denial over it or not. We deny the truth to make situations appear better than they are, as well as some sort of self-punishment to make things not seem so great when maybe, just maybe they are that good.

To deny our thoughts and feelings does not make them go away, in fact, holding our feelings inside can make us sick. Pushing down, internalizing pain brings on stomach problems, backaches, and headaches.

Denial is not noble. Courage to face our fears, feelings, and consequences of our actions is noble. Saying a thing is black when it is white does not make it white. To pretend, even to ourselves, that we are not hurt when we are does not make us free of pain. It is simply a temporary fix to a long-term issue, one that will be resolved when we are willing to be honest with our self and others in order to stop running from it and face it.

We all use denial as a defense mechanism for things that we find intolerable. Sometimes it is necessary for a while, but there comes a point in our “recovery” that we need to face all of the facts, feelings, and actions of our lives so that we may grow and heal.

When we learn to accept rather than deny we are better able to deal with life on life’s terms. Life is not smooth and easy, it hasn’t been for centuries and it is not going to be tomorrow. Living in denial about our difficulties doesn’t make them disappear.

Denial only prolongs the growth from and solution to every situation.

Doing Good

“Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, as long as ever you can.”
—John Wesley

We aren’t always rewarded for doing good in our lives. If we are giving of ourselves to our community and to those less fortunate, we are often asked to give more. And when we are good and kind to those who aren’t nice to us, we often don’t see any change or rewards. But regardless, we ought to do good anyway.

Doing good, whether it’s being gentle, patient, and kind to those who don’t treat us the same, or whether it’s giving of our time, energy, and resources, is something that we do reap the benefit of, even when we don’t readily see it. It goes along with the saying, “you reap what you sow.” Sow meanness and likely it will return. Be selfish and most likely you won’t get much from others.

It isn’t always easy to “do good” when we’d rather not. Sometimes we do have to say no, and we do that without guilt. Because the ones who give are the first ones others come looking for when they need more giving. But better to be thought of as one of “those” than one who won’t ever do anything for anyone.

In doing good, giving of our time, we strike a balance. In doing good rather than bad as far as our behavior goes, we seek to always do good even when we don’t get that reciprocated. When given a choice of doing good or doing bad, the good must always win out. What will be the good in doing bad?

When frustrated by doing good, do it anyway. Doing good is loving and no matter what religion or philosophy we ascribe to, love is an integral part of it. Sometimes not doing bad is doing good. If we have been hurt by others, not hurting back is loving. Forgiveness is doing good.

Doing good is loving.

Feelings Last

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
—Maya Angelou

When a relationship ends we miss the other person mostly because of the way we felt when we were with them. Sometimes it’s not the person we miss but simply that we no longer feel the way we did when they were in our lives. Many of us suffer from low self-esteem and even if it’s not low, our egos can always use a boost. So when someone comes along and says nice things to us, and about us, we feel good.

And even if it’s not a romantic relationship there can still be a spark between people. A meshing of hearts, minds, and souls that we don’t have with everyone we meet. It’s an electric feeling, a sensation of being fully alive, vibrant, whole, when we are in these kinds of relationships.

So it makes sense that when they end, we feel bad. As high as any drug takes us, the low goes just as far in the other direction and this can happen when we are involved with people.

Relationships end though. And it’s not always someone’s fault. We grow apart, or we move away because of jobs or family. We move into other relationships that require us to have less time for others. And sometimes one or both people in a relationship decide that they cannot do it, or are not capable of doing it and it has to end.

What we won’t forget is how someone made us feel; good or bad. Most of the time if we are emotionally healthy we will seek out relationships that make us feel good. Sometimes though, when we are accustomed to less than healthy interaction, we may be drawn to those types of familiar relationships even though in our heart of hearts we know that it’s not good for us and destructive even.

We must remember too that others won’t forget how we made them feel. And feelings stick around longer than words. They permeate us. Our feelings are often what we operate from, no matter how much we try not to, we are emotional beings and our feelings effect our actions.

So take care when dealing with the feelings of others. Even if a relationship has to end we would rather another person have good memories of us than bad. We only do this in an honest way; we don’t say things just to make someone feel good if we don’t mean it.

Handling relationships with care is essential to long-lasting good feelings.

Starting Over

“Keep on beginning and failing. Each time you fail, start all over again, and you will grow stronger until you have accomplished a purpose — not the one you began with perhaps, but one you’ll be glad to remember.”
—Anne Sullivan

Each of us has been down a road before that we thought was going to be a rewarding and fulfilling journey, one which we knew was the right path. And while we were on that road we were happy and grateful, and probably relieved because we finally got there.

And then something happened. It didn’t work. We failed, it failed. It doesn’t really matter. What matters in the end is that we don’t give up and never try again.

We can start over. We can begin our day over. We can start a new job when one doesn’t work out. We can go back to school if we didn’t get the degree we sought. We can begin the diet and exercise program once more. We can try another relationship if ours ends in a breakup or divorce. We can start over. It’s the doing that brings success.

It hurts to not find success, especially when we thought we finally had arrived at a place we wanted to be, only to have it pulled away. But we do grow from unsuccessful attempts at things.

There’s the old saying that when God closes a door He opens a window. And really there are lots of opportunities for us in this world. We just need to remain open to them and not close ourselves off when we feel hurt, disappointed, and defeated.

People will lie. They will promise us things in business and in our personal lives that they never intend to give, or maybe they aren’t capable of giving what they promise. We can’t be responsible for the shortcomings of others. What we can do is keep beginning, and failing if that’s what happens, and one day we may truly be on that road we just thought we were on before.

None of us wants to be the person who isn’t honest and true to others; the one who promises what we can’t give or misrepresents who we are. And most likely the people who treat us that way don’t mean to be dishonest and hurtful either. We ought to always beware of carrying our baggage into the future lest we become that way.

But even when others do us wrong, or fate doesn’t give us what we want at a particular time, we can start again.

Failure breeds strength; starting over is the beginning of success.

Do It Now

“Procrastination usually results in sorrowful regret. Today’s duties put off until tomorrow give us a double burden to bear; the best way is to do them in their proper time.”
—Ida Scott Taylor

Most of us have problems with procrastination. Usually what we put off are those things we just don’t like to do, but sometimes we procrastinate doing things we enjoy as well.

One thing to keep in mind when putting off until tomorrow or next week, something that we could do right now, is to not allow things to reach a crisis mode. It is so easy for things to snowball into something big when we don’t take care of them as we ought to.

A talk with a significant other about a problem if put off too long can escalate into a huge argument because we took on so much emotional energy over time when we could have handled it sooner and not had a fight. Sitting the children down for some parental guidance before there’s an incident may fend off a crisis involving problems at school or worse.

Then of course there are physical situations that need to be taken care of before they turn into disasters. Or maybe we don’t like particular things about our jobs and we put them off until the last minute and then have extra added stress that we could have avoided.

Some folks like to do the most disliked tasks first so they can enjoy the rest of the day. Getting out of the habit of doing things late or at the last minute is something that can ease the anxiety in our lives. When something is hanging over us that needs to be done it takes away from pleasurable things.

And often when we feel overwhelmed it’s because we have let things build up until it appears there is no way to complete everything. Finding balance in our lives is dependent upon not taking on more than we can handle, but it also means doing what we need to do to complete those things we have taken upon ourselves.

Take care of things now before they reach crisis mode.

Go Easy on Yourself

“Don’t wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful.”
—Mark Victor Hansen

No matter what areas of our lives we are working on, it’s important to be gentle and loving with ourselves as we grow and change. Sometimes we make mistakes or take wrong turns on our journey, but that does not mean we are failures and should stop proceeding.

Perhaps those things we view as wrong turns or mistakes are actually parts of the journey that we’ll look back on and cherish for the lessons they taught us. Most importantly we ought to be kind to ourselves when we are experiencing growth, change, grief, or even stagnation. Beating ourselves up never gets us anywhere healthy, it just gets us beat up.

Many of us will be hard on ourselves because while we made a decision that we’re proud of, we berate ourselves because it took us so long, instead of focusing on the fact that we did it.

When we’re grieving a loss we must understand that it takes whatever time it takes to get through the pain and we need to be gentle and loving with ourselves as we work our way through it.

Sometimes we get stuck in a place in our lives where we’re straddling a fence over what to do next. We may want to make a career change, but we have reasons why we don’t fully put our energy into looking for a new job. Maybe we have fear. Perhaps we are concerned about change. Whatever the reasons, if we are unhappy with something whether it’s a job or a relationship, it’s important to our growth to face the fears and hop over the obstacles to get where we want to go. And we can never do that if we are not kind and loving with ourselves during the process.

We can be our own best friend or our own worst enemy. It is our choice to make. Just remember that when something is loved and nurtured it grows and heals. And that’s a gift we can give ourselves as we work through our own issues.

Growth and healing occur more quickly in a loving environment.

Being Honest With Self

“Self-honesty is a prerequisite for self-discipline.”
—Ellen Kaye-Cheveldayoff

There’s a line in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous which states that there are those “who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves” and because of this inability to be rigorously honest they cannot achieve sobriety.

And so it is with life, really. We can walk through life, go through the motions, be reasonably successful, or not so successful, or even make it big in whatever we attempt. But in order to have emotional and spiritual success where we are capable of self-love and healthy relationships, we need to be honest not only with others, but also with ourselves.

When we are wrong we admit it, but we don’t take blame when we have not done harm to anyone or been out of line. That would be dishonest. It means we are truthful to others and we don’t deceive ourselves either.

Many times people think of “cash register” honesty when asked if they tell the truth. And while giving back the extra change from an attendant if given too much, or telling them when we are undercharged is a form of honesty, it still doesn’t mean we are honest in other ways. Another way we look at how honest we are is if we tell the truth when asked a question.

But the honesty necessary to grow and to have self-love is that in which we have pure motives and where we are sincere. It means that we don’t lie to ourselves or rationalize poor behavior.

Self-honesty means we examine our strengths and weaknesses so that we can do the work on those parts of us that may need to be changed. We don’t convince ourselves that we are just this way, or blame it on someone or something in our past; we admit to ourselves that we have something that needs some work.

It’s easy to deceive ourselves. Some will say they are not an alcoholic because they only drink beer as if there’s no alcohol in that. There are those of us who claim not to be prejudiced against a race other than our own, but our thinking and behavior says otherwise. We may try to lie to ourselves that we didn’t eat all day when dieting because all we ate was a bag of cookies, no real meal.

Deception of self can take on many forms. But until we can be honest with ourselves we cannot be truly honest with others. And until we are capable of self-honesty we won’t be able to grow much or have sustained self-love.

Honesty with self is necessary in all aspects of growth and love.