Thoughts Control Actions

“Every waking moment we talk to ourselves about the things we experience. Our self-talk, the thoughts we communicate to ourselves, in turn control the way we feel and act.”
—John Lembo

We have a lot more control of what goes on in our lives than most of us realize. When our self-talk is negative, our actions will in turn tend to be more destructive than productive. By putting ourselves down all the time we are more apt to make poor decisions.

When we make a mistake or don’t take an action we should have taken, beating ourselves up won’t solve the problem. We ought to talk lovingly to ourselves and treat ourselves the same as we would hope others treat us, the way we treat others when we are kind and loving.

If we need forgiveness for something we ask for it from those we have offended, and we also forgive ourselves and move on. Constantly berating ourselves will not bring us growth or peace; only more disharmony in our lives.

We learn from our mistakes in positive ways. And our self-talk ought to be for positive growth rather than constantly bringing us down. Telling ourselves we are bad or wrong all the time will keep our mind on that rather than the lesson learned so that we can move on.

This does not excuse inappropriate behavior. It’s just that we take appropriate actions to move on from our mistakes. And we treat ourselves with love. The more love we have for our self the less often we will be in situations where we do the wrong thing.

Do unto yourself as you would have others do unto you.

Parental Control

“PG – Parental guidance suggested”
—Motion Picture Association of America film rating system

While the above is intended for movies, in life sometimes it may be the parents who need the guidance. Very often parents have difficulty letting go, letting children grow up and lead adult lives.

Parents wield a great deal of control over their children, even when the “children” reach adulthood. Some use manipulation to try to tell us what to do by giving money and gifts or withholding such items. Other parents use affection and attention or the lack of to somehow try to get their offspring to do what they desire.

Yes we are adults now, but parents still have ways of at least trying to control us whether they actually do or not. We may go about our business and do what we want, but their little recordings play in our heads. And while we go about doing our own thing, they can bring us displeasure and cause strain in our relationships because we are afraid of what they will say or what they are thinking, or even if they will withhold something from us.

Some of us never much had support from our parents so we don’t have as much “parental control” but there are still things that ring in our thoughts; things that we have carried for decades many times these negative thoughts still rule what we do.

And then there are those whose parents are very much involved in their lives although they don’t approve of what the adult child is doing which makes life difficult for that child. They may use money or other “gifts” to try to control, but most likely they just get the information from the child which he/she chooses to give to them, not necessarily the truth.

It’s difficult because they are always our parents no matter how good or bad they treated us and most of the time we still seek their approval whether we are willing to admit that or not.

It’s time to loosen the hold they have on us. We are grown now. None of us are perfect, but we are who we are. And if you are reading here, then most likely you are working on growing and evolving in your life.

It’s difficult to break our parents control over us, but we can do it one step at a time, one thing at a time, until we no longer feel the struggle against who we are and who they wished we had become.

Letting go of parental control allows us to be adults.

Healthy Relationships

“To wait for someone else, or to expect someone else to make my life richer, or fuller, or more satisfying, puts me in a constant state of suspension.”
—Kathleen Tierney Andrus

We have many people in our lives that have an effect on what we do and the decisions we make. And that’s part of living; it is part of being in relationship with others. Parents, siblings, spouses, partners, preachers, bosses, friends, children, teachers — each person in our life has some influence on us.

The problem lies in waiting and putting our lives on hold for another person to do something. We must go about our lives living from the inside out, taking care of our self first and then our relationships. If we are true to ourselves and honest with the other person the relationship will take care of itself.

We ought to not do more than we know is right to do in order to win another’s approval. At our jobs, for instance, we should not work excessive hours of overtime trying to please the boss to gain his/her praises all the while neglecting our other responsibilities. It’s not healthy to do too much for another in any relationship hoping for a reward of some kind … love, gifts, affection … whatever we seek.

Our lives are rich and full when we are real, honest, and do what we really want to do, not when we do what someone else thinks we should do when that’s out of line with what we know is the right thing

The key is being honest and true to our self. If we want to do something for another we do it. If we want to say no, we can say that. But we don’t put our lives on hold waiting for someone else, nor do we neglect everything else in our life to do for another. When we do that we build up resentments.

Taking care of self is working on a relationship.

Entertaining Good Thoughts

“Put love first. Entertain thoughts that give life. And when a thought or resentment, or hurt, or fear comes your way, have another thought that is more powerful — a thought that is love.”
—Mary Manin Morrissey

It is very difficult to have a thought that is love when someone has hurt us and we hold resentment toward them, or we are in fear over something, but loving thoughts do have strength.

Thoughts are powerful. When we offer blessings not curses for those we think have wronged us, we begin to feel better. Sometimes the relationship takes a turn for the better too, without us ever speaking a word to that person.

If we stay in a negative frame of mind, we will become stuck in that. Negativity breeds negativity. Just as a positive, loving outlook produces happiness and love. If we constantly live in fear we stay in that place, but if we can break the cycle we will see that we have been bogged down in it so long we didn’t even realize how it controlled us.

Living with positive thoughts as much as possible may appear to be a bit silly, but trying it for a while will prove it to be a good thing. When thinking about two possible outcomes for a situation, we often choose the negative, most likely because we would rather think of that than be hurt or disappointed.

However, thoughts become actions. So if we think of negative outcomes more than likely that’s just what we’ll get. And maybe it won’t hurt as bad because we didn’t have much hope, but we still will not find much happiness and joy in life.

Thinking about positive outcomes will breed positive actions. So what if we get disappointed. Negative thinking would bring us to the same place, and perhaps we might just get the unexpected.

Entertain thoughts that give life and love and see good things happen before your eyes.

Staying the Course

“It’s a marathon, not a sprint.”
—Jason Priest

When we decide we want something or want to be able to do a new thing it’s difficult to have the patience to achieve it or to wait to get it. The quote above is something my guitar instructor has said to me several times in only a handful of lessons.

Yes, I want to know how to play now. But in order to start with zero knowledge and achieve a decent level of playing ability there is a lot of groundwork that goes into the learning process. It takes countless hours of practice playing scales and finger exercises, among other things, before one can even play a song.

As with many things in life though, it’s the long enduring journey rather than just deciding upon something and having it. Many times we give up before we get whatever it is we are trying to have.

Attending and graduating college is a good example of something that takes time and endurance. We take classes that we have no idea how they will help us with a particular job. A lot of it feels like a waste of time, but it’s just part of the deal. If nothing else, a college degree shows that a person can stick to something long enough to finish.

Most of what we have in life that means something to us took a lot of work and effort. It takes that in relationships, learning an instrument, getting a degree, building a house and numerous other situations. Things that come easy rarely give us a whole lot of pleasure or self worth.

Also to achieve the things we desire we must often compromise something else. If we want to get a degree, for instance, we may have to give up something that we enjoy while we attend classes and study. If we want to build a long-term relationship with someone we might have to give up certain things sometimes to spend time with that person. Just as with learning an instrument, relationships take patience and time.

If we truly want to achieve or have a particular thing we will do what it takes to do that. If we don’t care much one way or the other, it will show and eventually we’ll let the thing fall to the wayside. Most of us lead busy lives. Yet we want to do new things and stretch who we are. We may want to find someone to spend our life with, learn a new trade, or learn something for fun, like a musical instrument. Most likely that will take compromise. We have to decide if it’s worth giving up something else to fit in what we say we desire. If not, then we really don’t want it much.

If we really desire something we will compromise and do what it takes to have it.

Living with Rejection

“Human beings, like plants, grow in the soil of acceptance, not in the atmosphere of rejection.”
—John Powell

Most of the time when we are rejected it’s not so much about us as it is about the person who is rejecting us. We can only be who we are and who we are is good enough. If someone does not want us to be a part of their life then we ought to honor that.

What’s especially difficult though is when rejection comes from those within our family. It’s not easy to know if we should walk away when a parent, for instance, rejects us. We have some responsibility to family members that we don’t have in other relationships.

Discerning where to draw the line when rejection occurs within a family is not an easy task. And we don’t have to do it perfectly. Those dealing with dysfunctional families know that sometimes no matter what you do it’s wrong in the eyes of those who choose to be martyrs. It’s that “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situation.

The bottom line when handling rejection whether it’s a family member, friend, business associate, or love interest is to take care of ourselves first. If someone cannot or does not love us, that does not mean we are unlovable. If we have done nothing to harm the other person, if we have done nothing wrong, yet we are rejected, we must hold our heads up and move forward. We are loveable maybe they just don’t love themselves enough to love another.

Becoming a victim after rejections is not the answer. Hanging our head and having a pity party won’t solve anything. We must look within and find the resolve to realize that who we are is okay, no matter if everyone agrees or not.

Rejection is painful, but it does not mean we are unlovable.

Dealing with Frustration

“My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.”
—Phyllis Diller

Frustration is something that we all have in our lives and how we deal with it is important for our sanity and well-being.

An especially frustrating thing is dealing with other people when communication is not perfect, which it rarely is. Often our assumptions and expectations can cloud our thinking causing us to hear what we want to hear and miss the truth only later to be disappointed, hurt, and frustrated.

There are ways to deal with stress and frustration. We can go for a run, walk, a workout at the gym, take a nap, punch a bag, go for a bike ride, and on and on. Sometimes just getting away from the situation helps when we can do that. And at other times we need to stay in it and talk it out with whoever is frustrating us.

Usually when we are frustrated or angry with another person, we end up saying things that we don’t mean to say; the words come out and we can’t take them back. So stepping away or out of the middle of something for a while and “simmering down” can be a very healthy thing and possibly keep us from further spinning ourselves into a hole with the situation.

We may want to cry, rant, and rave as the quote above says, and there’s nothing wrong with that as long as we use it to process the situation and move on, rather than staying stuck in it. If only it was as easy as she describes above to move on from certain things.

We really have so little control over frustrating situations when they involve others. Letting go of our need to control the outcome goes a long way in lessening our frustration level. Turning it over to our Higher Power is a great solution.

When frustration hits — do something — so the hole isn’t dug deeper.

Influence of Others

“You will be known by the company you keep.”
—Unknown

Not only are we known by the company we keep, those we spend our time with have a great influence on us, although just what amount those around us effect us usually is determined by our maturity level and our self-esteem. Often in work and families we don’t have a choice about whose company we keep. But in our personal time we do have choices.

Oftentimes, especially if we are malleable, others we spend time with can have a great influence. And here’s where choosing is so important. Do we want to be influenced in a negative way or a positive way? It’s simple, really. We can choose those who are good for us to be with and stay away from those who bring us to trouble and pain.

“If you hang out with the wrong people long enough eventually they will bring you down,” a man said. He was referring to a pro football player who had been indicted for some very bad treatment of animals. The football player was charged along with a couple of other men. And what they were accused of doing involved making money, something that a pro football player certainly doesn’t need in the U.S.

And it makes one wonder if this man was influenced by the people whose company he kept or if it was something he led them to. Maybe he was the bad that brought them down.

Most of us can remember a time when someone we called a friend led us into something we would probably not have done otherwise. It’s best to keep an eye on the company we keep. It would be much better, given a choice, to spend our time with those who bring good things to the world, and to us, than those who inflict negativity and pain.

Watch what influences you, especially if you are easily influenced, and beware of those who might help bring you down rather than raise you up.

Setting Boundaries

“It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has no boundaries, with someone who cannot communicate directly, and honestly. … It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves — to protect ourselves when it is necessary. … It is impossible to learn to be loving to ourselves without owning our self — and owning our rights and responsibilities as co-creators of our lives.”
—Robert Burney

In order to take care of ourselves in any kind of relationship including work, love, friendship, business and parenting issues, it’s important that we set boundaries.

Sometimes setting and keeping boundaries can be very difficult, especially when others don’t like them. But when we don’t have any boundaries we open ourselves up to get walked on and maybe even abused. Usually people will respect our boundaries. Sometimes they may overstep them, but having boundaries makes us stronger and helps with our self-esteem issues.

We don’t have to tell others what our boundaries are unless there’s a problem. Our actions can speak for us, but there are times when we must let others know what our limits are. We don’t have to do that in a condescending way, we can be pleasant and polite when we confront those who have somehow overstepped what we find acceptable.

It’s not always another person’s place to figure out what we expect from them because not everyone has the same limits. And some people don’t know anything about boundaries so we can’t expect them to adhere to ours if we don’t let them know they have crossed over them.

We don’t expect others to treat us with any more respect than the way we treat them or how we treat ourselves. If we say we are too busy to do something with someone, but we do it anyway, we should not tell them later that they didn’t respect our boundaries or worse yet, complain to other people by saying that person took too much time from us. Going forward when we said no was a crossing of our own boundary, not them overstepping it.

When we make an issue about setting a boundary, it’s our duty to uphold it, so we don’t cause confusion in our relationships. If we cross our own boundaries we cannot expect others to respect them. That’s not saying we have to be too rigid in our lives, it just means we should set reasonable boundaries and stick to them. It’s not someone else’s responsibility to ensure that we mean what we say and follow that, it’s our issue.

Setting and keeping boundaries is good for us and all our relationships.

Beware of Jealousy

“Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point — that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative — self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved.”
—Jennifer James

It’s probably pretty normal to have little twinges of jealousy from time to time, but the type of envy that is destructive is not healthy. Having someone you love show attention to another can cause a bit of jealousy, but obsessing that the one you love is having an affair based upon no basis of truth is hurtful and will probably cause the relationship to end sooner than later.

Jealousy often does say, “He/she must be paying someone else attention because they are better in some way than me.” It puts us down and places someone else above us in status, either by looks, financial standing, brains, wit, charm, and on and on.

When we care enough about who we are, when our self-esteem is sufficient, we won’t go to unnecessary places of comparison with others. We will realize that they are who they are and we are who we are. And if the person we care about wants to be with us they will be with us. Do we ever really want someone in our lives who doesn’t want to be there?

If someone gives us reason to be jealous by not being honest about our relationship, then it’s time to look at moving on, but to be jealous simply because we are insecure is reason to look within and work on what’s inside of us, not what could be happening that’s probably not.

Having good self-esteem gives us a better chance in relationships because we won’t doom them with jealousy and other insecurities. It means we choose people to spend time with who are good for us and if we find out with time that they aren’t, we move on. Yes, we still get hurt when relationships end, even when we love ourselves, but loving and losing are part of life. The only way to protect our hearts from hurt is to never allow ourselves to love anyone. That’s not a solution.

Jealousy can rob us of healthy relationships if we allow that to happen. Loving ourselves first and taking care of ourselves helps us not to be jealous without reason.

Jealousy can be a deal breaker.