It’s All in Your Head

“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”
—Marcus Aurelius

As much as we hate to hear the phrase, “It’s all in your head,” it is true that most things are a matter of perception. The good news is that we can change our stinking thinking.

How we look at our situations, problems, and shortcomings, determines our level of happiness and serenity. We have spent a lifetime learning how our parents or other people dealt with external situations, often without realizing that their solutions were not always the best, we just never thought to look at different options.

Gratitude is a great way to move out of the ruts we get in as well as moving out of anger, sadness, depression, and other issues. Gratitude changes our state of mind; it can change our mood.

Smiling and laughing can give us a new perspective just by the emotional lift they bring. Prayer, letting go, can move us into a different place.

We can write out our issues in lots of different ways. We can journal, make lists of positives and negatives of certain situations, or write letters to others that we may or may not intend to send.

A great way to see things in a different light is to talk about it with someone else. Time and time again I am amazed at how two people can have totally different takes on the same event or situation. We may not agree with the other person, but nonetheless it is always good to talk things out with someone else.

Sometimes just walking away from something for a while and returning later will stop us from obsessing about it or trying to make something work when it won’t. And often the solution comes to mind while we aren’t trying to find it.

It may be all in your head, but you have the power to control what you think.

Stop Beating Yourself Up

“Who would you see if you saw yourself walking your way?”
—Chester Davidson

How do you see yourself on the inside and out? Are you totally flawed, or just normally flawed. When you make a mistake do you wallow in it for days or weeks, or do you pat yourself off and move on?

We can be our own best friend. It’s time to stop beating ourselves up for past mistakes. It’s time to see that nobody is perfect and whatever we do that is less than perfect is still OK.

Look past the mistake as one woman’s college basketball player learned because anytime she made a mistake it negatively affected her game and caused her not to play her best. She would hang her head and now when she looks down one shoe says “Next” and the other shoe says “Play.”

When we make a mistake we cannot afford to get bogged down in that error, rather we should learn from it and move on to our “next play.”

Everyone has struggles even though it may seem as though we are alone in ours. We go through our lives wishing that we didn’t have to go through this or that and wondering why us. And we think other people handle things better or don’t suffer through some of the growing pains we do. But the reality is, we all have issues that we either work on or we don’t. If you’re reading this you are most likely one of those people who chooses to work on your issues to grow and become all that you were meant to be.

But in doing so, don’t be so hard on yourself. Lighten up. You can get so stuck in the mire of mistakes and disappointments and beating yourself up that you forget all about being happy and having fun.

Go easy on you. Treat yourself as you would your best friend if they were having the same issues as you. Hopefully you’d treat them with dignity, respect, and love. Hopefully you’ll treat yourself that way.

Next Play

Taking Care of My Side of the Street

“The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny.”
—Albert Ellis

Taking responsibility for our self, our accomplishments as well as our failures, is important for recovery and spiritual growth. We will never grow and evolve when we continue to blame our mistakes or misfortunes on something or someone.

No matter what happened to us in our lives, and truly we do have bad things happen, it is still our responsibility to take care of our self. As long as we use the excuse that they made us do something, we give up all of our power to that person or thing.

Excuses keep us locked in our misfortunes, not in our accomplishments and future goals and endeavors. Owning our power to take care of ourselves and our lives gives us strength to move forward. We really can do it. We don’t have to lay the blame elsewhere anymore. We are moving forward, but only when we stop giving others our power.

We won’t move forward until we know that we are able to, and we won’t know we are capable of standing on our own two feet if we continue to attribute events, either good or bad, to others. We can take care of ourselves. We can grow and mature. We will when we start taking responsibility for ourselves and stop waiting on other people to do for us.

Once determined to stand strong there’s no turning back.

Don’t Give Up

“When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.”
—Franklin D. Roosevelt

Life can be grueling and disappointing, especially in recovery when it seems there is always something to work on. But things do get better. They will get better. We will have bad days as well as great days as we go through our journey of life.

Some days many of us will admit to having thoughts of giving up, on recovery, or even on life. But don’t. The next good thing that comes along, the next good day or moment we will see that the struggle was worth it.

Even when we reach a point in life where we know we have learned a lesson — a big lesson sometimes — we still aren’t done with the game of life. Our Higher Power will help us through each and every stage if we ask for help.

The lessons keep coming as we grow. Some things are more painful than others, but there is more joy too as we proceed through them.

It takes great strength to keep moving forward in recovery and anytime when life seems to be too difficult. Sometimes we sit still for a while until we find that strength again. We may even move backwards from time to time, but we will move forward again when the strength is there if we just hang on.

Don’t give up there is more joy to come.

Not So Random

“Thanks for crossing my path.”
—Sarah

Sometimes seemingly random things happen in our lives, but they really aren’t so random. Things come into our lives when we need them. People, healing, thoughts, money, whatever it is will come to us.

It may not always seem that way though. Often it doesn’t seem that way. But there are times when it happens and it’s so unlikely that we know that a power greater than us made it occur. We can’t explain it to anyone else usually, and it’s in those times that we cannot put the event or action into words that we know it was not a random event.

The important thing is that we are aware enough to know when we get the message. Because that thing we are in need of may come to us in ways we didn’t expect. We may feel lonely and want to have a date, but instead a friend comes into our lives and fills that loneliness. We may need a self-esteem boost and not even realize it until someone comes along and gives us a compliment. Maybe we feel as if our life doesn’t matter much until someone makes a comment that we are important to them, or that we’ve touched their lives. Or a person crosses our path, ever so briefly, whose simple presence gives us a spark or connection that we need at that moment.

“Thanks for crossing my path,” was written to me by someone whose writing I had read on the Internet. I complimented it and showed her some things I’d written and it touched her enough that she thanked me for crossing her path because she had been having a difficult time and it helped her. We have never met, yet we were both touched by the encounter.

Our lives are intertwined whether or not we realize it. I believe that when we recognize these types of events as coming from a Higher Power our faith grows. Then when darkness comes into our lives we have slivers of light (hope) that shine through the darkness and remind us of events in the past that were not so random.

We never know from where our help will arrive.

Try a Little Gratitude

“It is impossible to feel grateful and depressed in the same moment.”
—Naomi Williams

Gratitude is a most valuable tool when we remember to use it. And usually during the times when we are the most troubled, our darkest hours, we forget about it.

There are days when none of us feel grateful for anything. Those are the days to try some gratitude like the following.

I’m grateful:
• I dated that idiot because now I know what I don’t want.
• I lost that job because I hated it anyway.
• That life threw me that curve ball because I learned from it.
• For the illness because now I can be empathetic to others who suffer from the same thing.
• That my childhood wasn’t perfect because it made me stronger.
• My husband left me, he was cheating on me and I didn’t know what to do.

Those examples are for when we are grateful for things we’d just as soon not had to suffer through. When we feel grateful, when it’s easy to have an attitude of gratitude, that’s when we can be positive and grateful for all the good things that have happened in our lives, the things that are easy to show gratitude about.

It truly does work, though, the gratitude thing. Whether we mean it when we say or think it, it still works. And it is impossible to be depressed when at the same time you are grateful. Try it. Remember to use this tool on those days when you wake up on the wrong side of the bed or when something truly is wrong in your world. It won’t make real problems disappear; it just makes them easier to get through.

Find something each day to be grateful for. If you are alive, that’s a good start.

Dreams Trump Fear

“There’s a moment when fear and dreams must collide.”
—Josh Groban

Do you have a goal or dream to do something “more” with your life, but you are afraid that you will not be successful, or that it will have cost too much money or time? But still you think of it all the time and you know in your heart you really must do it.

This is when fear and dreams collide. It’s when a decision is made that to not follow the dream is worse than following it and possibly failing. And sometimes even if we fail at the attempt, there are other things learned along the way so it’s not in vain.

Not doing something, not using a God given talent, is wrong. We can always find excuses if we look hard enough. In fact, the excuses are often easier to find than the courage to face the fear and move forward with our dreams.

Every now and then we just have to take the plunge and hope that we are making the right decision. If we are following a dream, but we fear failure, and we fear lots of “what ifs” but we move forward anyway, that’s how we succeed to our full potential.

If our dreams are to become reality in our lives, they will, but only when we step out of fear and all of the negatives about something and look at the positives and take a chance.

To really do anything difficult or new we are going to have fear, but the dream will propel us into action and will supersede the fear if we allow it.

If we want something bad enough we will succeed in getting it.

Unselfish Living

“…grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood, as to understand; to be loved, as to love…”
—Prayer of Saint Francis

It truly is a wonderful experience when we step outside of ourselves and are able to connect with someone else on a new level, one in which we aren’t seeking self-gratification, but rather one in which we are open to giving.

When we stop trying so desperately to be accepted we are able to give to others all of the things we have been grasping for in our lives. We often seek someone to nurture us when we need that; someone to understand our shortcomings; and someone to love us. When we learn to do all of those things for ourselves, we are able to give them to others.

The key to the prayer above is to “not so much seek” to get these things, but instead to think first of giving these things to others. We can give the gift of caring to other people; those we know and those we don’t. And it can be in very small ways or in great big ways. Each situation calls for different measures.

As the Prayer of Saint Francis continues from above, “…for it is in giving that we receive, it is in pardoning that we are pardoned, and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.”

We, too, will be blessed when we seek to comfort, love, understand, and just be there for others.

Be 100% You

“The greatest justice in life is to be who one is.”
—Vanna Bonta

Any time we pretend to be something other than who we are, not only do we not fool other people, we show ourselves to be dishonest. People often know about things in our lives even when we don’t think they do. And if we put on a front and pretend to be anything other than what and who we are it really does hurt us and any chance to have real relationships with others.

There are people who will talk to us and act as though they are perfect human beings. We allow them to hurt our self-esteem because we compare ourselves to them, even though we know in recovery that it’s not a good idea to compare ourselves to other people, especially their outsides.

There are those we look up to, we may even have them placed high on a pedestal, only later to find out that the person has been withholding certain things in their lives from us which show some of their imperfections.

If the people who look up to us know the truth about all that we are, does that tarnish our relationship, or make it stronger? How can we expect to be a role model or teacher to someone if we don’t let them know our imperfections?

Just remember when we act high and mighty, as if we are better than, there is usually someone around who knows the truth. We are at our best and most available to others when we simply are who we are; no more, no less.

Let others know the whole of you.

Random Acts of Kindness

“The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.”
—Samuel Johnson

It’s always a great experience when someone comes along who is kind who has absolutely no ulterior motives. Sometimes we are helped by friends and sometimes an unknown “angel” appears to help us when we most need it and least expect it.

We can be a Good Samaritan to others. We can be angels to people we know well and those we don’t know at all. Sometimes the smallest thing can mean the world to another. A smile, holding a door for someone, helping another carry packages to their car, it doesn’t have to be a huge effort on our part to bring a little bit of good into another’s day, with no expectation of pay.

At other times we may give or receive a larger gift; someone to sit with us when we are sick, a friend to hold our hand when we are grieving, a bill paid when we aren’t able, mowing the neighbor’s yard when they are unable. Any number of things can be passed from person to person with compassion.

And we’ll find that when we show kindness to others, kindness will be shown to us. Not every time, with every person, but what we give out usually comes back to us in some way when we least expect it.

Try one day just smiling at people you pass on the street, in stores, in office buildings, at your job. See how many smiles are returned. And see how much better you feel each time you smile and are smiled at. It’s catching and it’s so easy.

It is in giving that we receive.