Keep it Simple

“One Day at a Time”
—Alcoholics Anonymous slogan

One Day at a Time. I’ve heard that slogan and read it in many daily meditation books. I usually only equate it with addictions or problems.

Recently Sting was interviewed on a television talk show. When asked how he had stayed married so long he answered, “One Day at a Time.”

It was like I heard it for the first time. Yes, we can use it in all parts of our lives. We don’t have to know when we begin a relationship the exact outcome. And we don’t know if we’ll be successful at our job; in school, starting a new career or business. We don’t know how our children will turn out. We don’t know anything about the future. Try as we might to guess outcomes; and we’ll always fail because we cannot know how things turn out until we get there.

Staying in the moment, living one day at a time in all areas of our lives will keep away some of the fear, help us to stay grounded, make things less overwhelming and overall make our lives easier.

It’s not a new concept; it’s just something that is easy to forget.

Living “One Day at a Time” works.

Consequences May Not Be Enough

“Too often going after what feels good means letting go of what you know is right.”
—Meredith, Grey’s Anatomy.

Giving up on what we know is right to have the momentary pleasure of what feels good is too often the case in our lives. The consequences usually give us plenty of punishment although often not enough to fully teach us the lesson the first time, tenth time, or maybe indefinitely, especially if we want the thing that feels good so badly that we are willing to forego what’s right.

The thing that we want so badly, that which we are willing to give up over what is right, could be one of a number of things. Maybe we eat more than we should because one more piece of cake is what we want even though the first piece wasn’t even on our diet. Or maybe it’s having sexual relations with someone who has either hurt us previously or is involved with someone else which makes it inappropriate for us to be with this person. Other issues may involve using drugs or drinking when it’s not an appropriate time.

The problem is that many times what feels good at the moment isn’t what we need in the long run and we end up miserable after having done it. For me it’s beating myself up with self talk that is destructive way beyond what the consequences of the action were.

Why we are willing to do this to ourselves is not some great mystery. It reminds me of the old 70’s saying, “If it feels good, do it.” What I want to do is find a way to see past feeling good at the moment to a place where I know that I’ll feel good later, yet still have fun in my life. It is called self-control.

We must weight short term pleasure against long term peace.

 

Credit Comes With the Effort

“It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by the dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes up short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worthy course; who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who, at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly; so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat.”
—Theodore Roosevelt

How often we want to do certain things only to step back and think better of it. And when we do step forward, putting ourselves out there for some lofty goal or dream we realize just how alive we feel. Blood, sweat and tears feel better than sitting on our hands wishing we had done something.

Many times in my quest to grow and move forward in life I have fallen short, failed even. And many times I have been successful in the things I’ve challenged myself to do. We don’t have to do anything perfectly. Most things do not have a rule book either.

I have let go of things that I should have hung onto and fought harder for, and I have held on to things too long that I should have let go of sooner. I have not attempted things because of fear, usually centered on money, sometimes around the fear of failure.

The greatest moments were when I realized an achievement and felt the joy of having done that thing I didn’t think I could do. In that moment the joy is all that is felt and the pain, agony, sweat and tears are momentarily a thing of the past, only to be remembered later, perhaps in the next challenge or in continuing on the journey with the current achievement.

Strength comes out of attempting to do what seems to be out of reach. True living comes out of trying whether we see victory or defeat in our efforts.

Doing that which seems impossible is well worth the blood, sweat and tears.

 

The Truth Shall Set You Free

“You never find yourself until you face the truth.”
—Pearl Bailey

Many of us were taught not to show the outside world what we were like on the inside; what our family was like behind the walls of our home. We carried that into our adult lives where we pushed our feelings down and locked them away for nobody to see.

Each of us has our own truth. That less than perfect thing or things we don’t want anyone to see or know about. We keep it locked away in shame and/or guilt. We hide it lest anyone find out that we aren’t as perfect as we appear or for fear that they might not like us anymore.

Holding emotions and feelings inside can often turn into physical pain. Some of us have headaches, for others it is a stomach problem, or maybe a backache. If you are in touch with your body you may know when your particular pain area feels the emotional side of your life more than others. This is a sign that we need to bring something to the surface and face it.

Some of who we are occurred by nature, some by nurture. Parts of us cannot be changed and we simply must face that truth and embrace it.

The truth really can set you free.

Courage to Change the Things I Can

Time spent attempting to change others affords little time for personal change.
—Georgette Vickstrom

As if we don’t have enough on our plates taking care of our own side of the street, we often try to change others. Anyone who has ever been in a dysfunctional relationship whether it is our family of origin, friendship, love relationship, or new family, knows that if we could change them we would. We know this because we have tried.

However, as most of us have discovered, we cannot change them. We can only do our work on us. Sometimes when we do the work to change us for the better, it means more distance from and sometimes an end to those other relationships.

And that’s sad to think of, losing those we care about. Sometimes it is the only way to not only survive, but to also grow. While often we have to leave others behind to grow, occasionally those we moved on from will catch up and we have the opportunity to reunite with them on a new level at a new time.

What we must decide is if it is worth staying stuck or if we are better off growing and moving on. That is something we have to weigh relationship by relationship. And each of us is the only one who can answer that for our self.

Focus on changing only what is yours to change.

I Think I Can

“Whether you think that you can, or that you can’t, you are usually right.”
—Henry Ford

Such a simple yet profound statement. What we think does impact what we do and especially our confidence. The old story: The Little Engine That Could where the saying “I think I can, I think I can,” came from is a powerful lesson for children, but also one that we need to be reminded of even as adults.

Sometimes I tend to not think positively about certain situations for fear of being disappointed. And maybe that’s OK in situations that are completely out of my control. But when we think positively about the outcomes of those things that our actions have impact on, it can only be a good thing. We clearly won’t get positive results if we don’t think we will succeed because that will affect our actions.

In all reality we are all we’ve got. We may have support from a spouse or partner. We may be surrounded by friends. But what we believe about our self is our truth. If we want positive outcomes we must think positive thoughts.

It takes real intestinal fortitude to face change whether that be starting or ending relationships, setting new boundaries, changing jobs or careers, returning to school, overcoming an addiction, or anything that requires a dedication and commitment when the outcome is unknown. And we won’t succeed in anything that difficult or even the easy stuff if we don’t think we can.

Believe in yourself and everything is possible.

Listen, You May Just Hear Something

“I believe the greatest gift I can conceive of having from anyone is to be seen by them, heard by them, to be understood and touched by them.”
—Virginia Satir

In this hustle and bustle world too seldom do we let others know they are important to us. Nor do we truly listen and understand others. Sometimes because we don’t really want to and often because we are too busy and much too wrapped up in our own world.

Many of us may feel that nobody has ever truly been there for us since we may have been raised in dysfunctional families that were that way for one reason or another. Each of us has our own unique needs and if they are not met we are not whole.

Having someone “get” us can be one of the greatest feelings in the world. It has not happened to me very many times and some of those who understood me are no longer in my life, but having had the experience I can say that it honestly gave me more pleasure and gratitude than any monetary gift or pay I have ever received. To not only be understood, but for someone to stop long enough to listen and also hear, it’s something that does not have a price tag or pay check.

How do we get that, though? I’m not sure we can go after it and actually find it, but we can give that gift to someone else. We can stop long enough to see, hear and understand another person. We may find that we receive the gift back from the person we gave our time to, or it may come to us later from another source.

Give the gift of listening and truly hearing to another; it’s one of the greatest gifts we can give and receive.

 

Letting Go Is a Process

“Some people think it’s holding on that makes one strong — sometimes it’s letting go.”  
—Unknown

Let go, take it back, let go, take it back. Sometimes letting go can go on forever it seems. We let go and take the thing back so many times that it seems never ending. Some things are easier to let go of than others, there’s no huge lesson in that, but the things that are so difficult are the ones where we let go and learn and grow in the process.

I can know 100 percent in my mind that a person, place or thing is not good for me; that it’s not good for my future and even for the present, but I will hang on as if I cannot live without it. Looking back on those things I have let go of, I realize that I’m still here, perhaps grateful that I let go of whatever it was, maybe sad, but nonetheless, still alive and past it.

Of course, no matter how many times I’ve experienced the lesson of letting go, I still have to learn it again when a new situation is at hand. It’s a process. Sometimes, usually in fact, it’s an ugly process to let go of that which we need to let loose but don’t really want to. Sometimes when we let go and stop clinging so much we find out we still have what we let go of anyway.

If you love something let it go, if it comes back to you it was meant to be.

Being Alone Not Worst Fate

It’s better to be alone than to wish you were.
—Unknown

So often we feel the need to be in a love relationship whether or not the right person is available for us or not. We try too hard to make something happen with someone who is emotionally unavailable, addicted, abusive or sick otherwise.

For many of us, it’s not until we’ve lived through the horrors of being with someone unhealthy that we realize that being alone isn’t the worst fate in life.

It takes a great deal of strength to end bad relationships and depending on the behaviors of the other person, it can be almost impossible to leave. Sometimes it takes calling in law enforcement to get away from certain circumstances.

On the other hand, being alone affords us the opportunities to make new friends, learn more about ourselves, do what we want to do, and sometimes just the opportunity to heal from past relationships.

Being alone forever may be a scary thought. Being alone now does not mean we are alone forever though. Enjoy it while you have it and don’t let it go just because you don’t want to be by yourself.

Use alone time to learn and grow; you may find the answers you need to ensure not getting into another abusive relationship.

Secrets Make Us Sick

You’re only as sick as your secrets.
—Unknown

Keeping something locked inside can be like poison to us. Just think back on a time when you had a secret. Maybe it consumed your thoughts, maybe it caused you to act out. Perhaps you ate too much or too little, drank too much, used drugs, abused yourself or someone else. Maybe you still have that secret and have never experienced the freedom that comes with letting it out.

You don’t have to tell everyone your secret. The 12 Steps used by Alcoholics Anonymous and other recovery groups teach those in recovery to tell God and at least one other person anything that they have done that is troubling to them. This includes things that may not be wrong, maybe they are just secret and the person has shame issues around that situation.

I’ve personally experienced the freedom that comes with letting things out. I’ve experienced it through practicing the 12 Steps, in therapy and just with friends. I can honestly say that I’ve never regretted having opened up, at least not after the initial fear of it wore off. And I’ve often been surprised that what I told was not a big deal to those I told it to, it was only a big deal because I’d made it that in my head.

Letting go of secrets offers us freedom.